Well, I dont' know if anyone notices this or not, but I have not added anything to my blog in over a couple weeks. I have had a very horrible negative even occur due to this blog that I figured not writing it would help solve thta problem. I know it is 'giving up' and letting that mother trucker who tried to ruin my job 'win'...but that isn't it. I just don't really have the time or the need to have a blog. My hopes were for a positive experience for myself and those who read it. I did have that reaction, but I never in a million years imagined that some random stranger/xfriend would take the opportunity to try to ruin my life.
Those negative, cowardly comments were just the beginning of what that horrid monster did to me. Calling my job, making up stories about my using drugs with 'their son' and telling my boss I was on methadone really upset me and those who love me. I have a very strong idea as to who it is that did that and my lawyer said there is really nothing I can do as of this point in time. Unfortunately, being a rotten mean spirited person is not against the law. People are free to be who they wish to be and if they choose to spend their time hurting other hard working, good,kind people than that is their perogative. However, it is also my perogative to close this blog and start a new one somewhere else and at another time.
to all who did follow and enjoy this blog, thank you. TO those of you who took this as an opportunity to hurt me, your 'reward' will come later. karma is a very serious, veyr real entity.....I don't have to lay one hand on you. You have sowed your seeds and you will reap your rewards from that negative effort.
Good Bye.....and remember
Gorgeous the Life
Susan
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
As Others See It
These are a few of the reponses I received after I sent out a blanket email to all my friends, telling them about what is going on with my stalker.
Hi, Susan
That is absolutely disgusting that someone would be trying so hard to screw you that way, not to say just downright chickenshit to do it anonymously. Rest assured that it isn't me. There are certainly people in this world that I don't much care for, my asshole older brother for one, but I would NEVER do anything to cause him trouble on his job, even if I knew him to be a child molester (which he most assuredly is not) and he worked in a daycare center I wouldn't call his employer. Whoever is doing this is so low that they have to look up to see the underbelly of a snake.
I don't forward E-mails as a rule and I have never forwarded one of yours or even given anyone the link to your blog. I think you are a courageous woman doing what you have done and considering the trials and hardships that you have endured throughout your life. You don't need anyone throwing more rusty nails and broken glass in your path.
You know that I am always your friend.
Joel
Susie Que-I am soooo sorry that someone is being such a SHIT! They obviously have nothing better to do. Hopefully you will be able to find out who this awful person is and stop them from being so cruel. Hang in there. I love you and I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE WORKED TO GET YOUSELF BACK TO LIFE!!
Hugs
Laura
Dearest Susan,
Please tell me you haven't lost your job!?You must feel so low. I am so sorry to hear about this drama in your life. No, I wouldn't deliberately hurst anyone, especially you. I am so proud of you! Can you close your blog down so no one can continue leaving their cowardly comments? I love you! Kari
My dear friend:
I would never do that to you - or anyone. I know you don't suspect me. I am VERY proud of the "tribulations" [a HUGE understatement in my feeble opinion] that you have overcome, Susan.
I have only been on your blog once, and decided I would rather just use e-mail. Never went back in. You and I get along well with this forum - and the rest of the bloggers can just go f**k themselves.
I fully empathize - to the extent possible. I've never been in your current situation. I have only one word for whomever is behind this:COWARD.
Going to the police can't hurt, probably be a "low" priority. They'll probably suggest you "unplug" your blog.I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Susan.
You are a SHINING example of resilience, perseverance, and tenacity. I am ignorant when it comes to drug abuse, but I can say I suspect you are in a huge MINORITY of people who overcome what you have - and made something of yourself.
I hope the harrassment and threats stop.
Bless you.
Love,
Ron
Hang in there. This person is an asshole and I know you know it. Just keep being you! Hugs
Laura
It feels so good to know that I have good people in my life that care enough about me to write such amazing things about me. My stalkers feelings seem to stem from a resentment towards Methadone...that seems to be what pisses them off the most. I was able to get my life back on track by using this amazing drug....did they not have a positive experience with it? Apparantly not. There are many (thousands in fact) of counselors using methadone. Not just drug and alcohol counselors at that, marriage counselors, financial counselors, mental health counselors...the list is long. Methadone users are covered under the American Disabilities Act just like any other person with a disease that needs a drug to help them. This person made a complete fool of themselves when they called my boss because he understands this and after he hung up the phone, he turned to me and said, "Some are always going to be sicker than others." He told the stalker, "Thanks for giving me all this useless information that I can do nothing with". I Hope that just chapped their ass. What happens next is up to them, and how I react to it is up to me.
I have another follower named 'Thingy' who has posted some very positive comments on my blog and I thought that was very kind.
It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is shining and I feel great. I just received word yesterday that one of the clinics I had sent my resume to wants to meet with me. I had started out my venture in becoming a CDP to work with woman in prison....I may have my chance...not only to go to work in corrections, but to relocate as well. This job is in another state...one I would LOVE to move to....stay tuned.
One good thing about being an intern is that I get to go places and try on different jobs in my quest to find out where I want to settle in. I made a mistake in posting where I work in here so stalker bitch was able to contact my employers. Options isn't the end of my journey, it is only the beginning. I will be much more careful about what I post. I never in a million years thought that starting a blog would almost cost me a job....good thing it didn't, but I have been taught a tough lesson. That being that the world is full of haters and the best revenge in life is to live well. To you my stalker, get a life of your own, that way trying to disrupt another person's life won't be so entertaining.
Peace Outty
Hi, Susan
That is absolutely disgusting that someone would be trying so hard to screw you that way, not to say just downright chickenshit to do it anonymously. Rest assured that it isn't me. There are certainly people in this world that I don't much care for, my asshole older brother for one, but I would NEVER do anything to cause him trouble on his job, even if I knew him to be a child molester (which he most assuredly is not) and he worked in a daycare center I wouldn't call his employer. Whoever is doing this is so low that they have to look up to see the underbelly of a snake.
I don't forward E-mails as a rule and I have never forwarded one of yours or even given anyone the link to your blog. I think you are a courageous woman doing what you have done and considering the trials and hardships that you have endured throughout your life. You don't need anyone throwing more rusty nails and broken glass in your path.
You know that I am always your friend.
Joel
Susie Que-I am soooo sorry that someone is being such a SHIT! They obviously have nothing better to do. Hopefully you will be able to find out who this awful person is and stop them from being so cruel. Hang in there. I love you and I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE WORKED TO GET YOUSELF BACK TO LIFE!!
Hugs
Laura
Dearest Susan,
Please tell me you haven't lost your job!?You must feel so low. I am so sorry to hear about this drama in your life. No, I wouldn't deliberately hurst anyone, especially you. I am so proud of you! Can you close your blog down so no one can continue leaving their cowardly comments? I love you! Kari
My dear friend:
I would never do that to you - or anyone. I know you don't suspect me. I am VERY proud of the "tribulations" [a HUGE understatement in my feeble opinion] that you have overcome, Susan.
I have only been on your blog once, and decided I would rather just use e-mail. Never went back in. You and I get along well with this forum - and the rest of the bloggers can just go f**k themselves.
I fully empathize - to the extent possible. I've never been in your current situation. I have only one word for whomever is behind this:COWARD.
Going to the police can't hurt, probably be a "low" priority. They'll probably suggest you "unplug" your blog.I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Susan.
You are a SHINING example of resilience, perseverance, and tenacity. I am ignorant when it comes to drug abuse, but I can say I suspect you are in a huge MINORITY of people who overcome what you have - and made something of yourself.
I hope the harrassment and threats stop.
Bless you.
Love,
Ron
Hang in there. This person is an asshole and I know you know it. Just keep being you! Hugs
Laura
It feels so good to know that I have good people in my life that care enough about me to write such amazing things about me. My stalkers feelings seem to stem from a resentment towards Methadone...that seems to be what pisses them off the most. I was able to get my life back on track by using this amazing drug....did they not have a positive experience with it? Apparantly not. There are many (thousands in fact) of counselors using methadone. Not just drug and alcohol counselors at that, marriage counselors, financial counselors, mental health counselors...the list is long. Methadone users are covered under the American Disabilities Act just like any other person with a disease that needs a drug to help them. This person made a complete fool of themselves when they called my boss because he understands this and after he hung up the phone, he turned to me and said, "Some are always going to be sicker than others." He told the stalker, "Thanks for giving me all this useless information that I can do nothing with". I Hope that just chapped their ass. What happens next is up to them, and how I react to it is up to me.
I have another follower named 'Thingy' who has posted some very positive comments on my blog and I thought that was very kind.
It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is shining and I feel great. I just received word yesterday that one of the clinics I had sent my resume to wants to meet with me. I had started out my venture in becoming a CDP to work with woman in prison....I may have my chance...not only to go to work in corrections, but to relocate as well. This job is in another state...one I would LOVE to move to....stay tuned.
One good thing about being an intern is that I get to go places and try on different jobs in my quest to find out where I want to settle in. I made a mistake in posting where I work in here so stalker bitch was able to contact my employers. Options isn't the end of my journey, it is only the beginning. I will be much more careful about what I post. I never in a million years thought that starting a blog would almost cost me a job....good thing it didn't, but I have been taught a tough lesson. That being that the world is full of haters and the best revenge in life is to live well. To you my stalker, get a life of your own, that way trying to disrupt another person's life won't be so entertaining.
Peace Outty
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Later That Day
I have been renting out too much free space in my head to my new hater. I need to pull back in my energy and let what is going to happen, happen. I am a firm believer in karma. What you give in life, so you shall receive. I have made my amends to those I hurt in my addiction. Those two people are now dead. I owe no one else anything. I owe myself a chance to be happy and to continue searching for what ever it is that will bring that to me.
I am not sure of this counseling gig. I am not a very confrontative person and I don't like thinking everyone is lying to me, even though most of them are. Every person that sits down in front of me for an evaluation is going to be saying what they think I want to hear them say....even though they have no idea what it is that I am looking for them to say to me. I just want them to be honest so that they can receive the help they need. Not every person that walks in there is an addict in need of treatment...however, having said that, I have yet to see someone walk in there that wasn't told they need to receive treatment and at a very high cost.(time wise, commitment wise and of course dollar wise)
I have a friend who when she was given her assessment, as soon as they saw that she had 'the blue folder' her diagnosis rose significantly...meaning when they saw she had Boeing medical insurance....so they gave her a Boeing diagnosis...meaning the most expensive treatment available. There is another facility named Lakeside Milam that gives free evaluations but that is because they put everyone in treatment, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Most places charge anywhere from $95 to $135 for an evaluation. What Milam is doing is so wrong. Where most places consider someone addiction free until after they complete their diagnosis...Lakeside Milam looks at everyone walking in their doors a person in need of treatment, whether they need it or not...they will be given a diagnosis of addiction regardless of it that is true or not. I went through an evaluation at Lakeside and immediately felt uncomfortable the way the man looked at me and talked to me. He had my diagnosis ready even before he got my UA back or any of my collateral information. Where I work and at most places, we wait until we have all the information in our possession before we make our determination. All information meaning criminal history, driving history, UA results, and any and all information that will help us to provide a very accurate diagnosis.
I know this is boring....I find it boring myself. Which leads me to this conclusion....is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What I really want is for someone to find me, date me, fall in love with me and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him so he can take care of me in the manner to which I long to become accustomed. That's what I really want to do. I worked very hard in college to get good grades so that where ever I worked, I would do a good job. As it turns out, nothign I have learned in college has helped me in this field one single bit. I am doing things that were NEVER covered in school. I didn't learn one single thing that helps me in my field, which makes me wonder what the hell do they make us go to school for in the first place? This is definately a job that needs on the job training and nothing in school is going to come close to fulfilling those requirements. I am angry at how much money I spent to go to school, only to find none of it did me one bit of good and most of it was so outdated and false. Really, those few classes that did address issues we would face in the field, were far and few between.....oh gosh I am so upset now. The more I think about this, the most upset I become.
I am not sure of this counseling gig. I am not a very confrontative person and I don't like thinking everyone is lying to me, even though most of them are. Every person that sits down in front of me for an evaluation is going to be saying what they think I want to hear them say....even though they have no idea what it is that I am looking for them to say to me. I just want them to be honest so that they can receive the help they need. Not every person that walks in there is an addict in need of treatment...however, having said that, I have yet to see someone walk in there that wasn't told they need to receive treatment and at a very high cost.(time wise, commitment wise and of course dollar wise)
I have a friend who when she was given her assessment, as soon as they saw that she had 'the blue folder' her diagnosis rose significantly...meaning when they saw she had Boeing medical insurance....so they gave her a Boeing diagnosis...meaning the most expensive treatment available. There is another facility named Lakeside Milam that gives free evaluations but that is because they put everyone in treatment, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Most places charge anywhere from $95 to $135 for an evaluation. What Milam is doing is so wrong. Where most places consider someone addiction free until after they complete their diagnosis...Lakeside Milam looks at everyone walking in their doors a person in need of treatment, whether they need it or not...they will be given a diagnosis of addiction regardless of it that is true or not. I went through an evaluation at Lakeside and immediately felt uncomfortable the way the man looked at me and talked to me. He had my diagnosis ready even before he got my UA back or any of my collateral information. Where I work and at most places, we wait until we have all the information in our possession before we make our determination. All information meaning criminal history, driving history, UA results, and any and all information that will help us to provide a very accurate diagnosis.
I know this is boring....I find it boring myself. Which leads me to this conclusion....is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What I really want is for someone to find me, date me, fall in love with me and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him so he can take care of me in the manner to which I long to become accustomed. That's what I really want to do. I worked very hard in college to get good grades so that where ever I worked, I would do a good job. As it turns out, nothign I have learned in college has helped me in this field one single bit. I am doing things that were NEVER covered in school. I didn't learn one single thing that helps me in my field, which makes me wonder what the hell do they make us go to school for in the first place? This is definately a job that needs on the job training and nothing in school is going to come close to fulfilling those requirements. I am angry at how much money I spent to go to school, only to find none of it did me one bit of good and most of it was so outdated and false. Really, those few classes that did address issues we would face in the field, were far and few between.....oh gosh I am so upset now. The more I think about this, the most upset I become.
The Day After
Hello friends and enemy. I have not begun to embrace this dark entity into my life as if I had cancer. People deal with horrible parasitic tumors all the time and they still continue to live and enjoy their life. I work with two people undergoing serious cancer treatment. My boss is undergoing radiation for her cancer that reappeared and moved from her now two removed breasts to her lymph system. She leaves work for radiation then comes back. My other supervisor is going through chemo therapy for Hep C. He is so sick from his treatments. One boss is very quiet and doesn't say a word about her discomfort...the other one...well, suffice it to say he enjoys attention so he mentions how sick and uncomfortable he is to every person he passes by. It is almost annoying...but I don't say anything. As one very wise and sage person once told me...just smile and file. I do alot of that at work. I am having a really hard time trying to figure out if I want to stay at this one place or go pursue other options.....I will consider my work here as training and that leaves many things open to me.
This person who is trying to ruin me knows where I work because I stupidly put it in my profile. I thought I had been very careful not to put where i worked out there, but I did and now I am having to deal with their sick shit. It's all good. I have a detective working on it. He was a family friend and even though no real crime has been committed, this is enough to get our friend on the job. We are going to get the phone records from my job and find out the number that call came from and take it from there.
I hope this will put a scare into who ever is going this to me. I really am prepared to go to the wall fighting back on this one. NO one is going to jepordize my livelyhood over some personal problem they may be having with me.
To not be able to show themselves and to hide behind the word "Anonymous" shows them to be very cowardly. If they really were a human being with courge and pride, they would have no problem coming out into the open and dealing with me that way. Oh well...it is what it is and I will continue on enjoying my sucesses.
This person who is trying to ruin me knows where I work because I stupidly put it in my profile. I thought I had been very careful not to put where i worked out there, but I did and now I am having to deal with their sick shit. It's all good. I have a detective working on it. He was a family friend and even though no real crime has been committed, this is enough to get our friend on the job. We are going to get the phone records from my job and find out the number that call came from and take it from there.
I hope this will put a scare into who ever is going this to me. I really am prepared to go to the wall fighting back on this one. NO one is going to jepordize my livelyhood over some personal problem they may be having with me.
To not be able to show themselves and to hide behind the word "Anonymous" shows them to be very cowardly. If they really were a human being with courge and pride, they would have no problem coming out into the open and dealing with me that way. Oh well...it is what it is and I will continue on enjoying my sucesses.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Someone Out There is Trying to Ruin My Life
Hello friends, fans and enemy mine. How are you? Someone out there is trying to ruin my life and this is how. Someone called my job using the name "Annonymous" and told my co-worker that I was a drug addict who was using with her son. It was also said that I am using methadone and that this person was tryin to do 'the right thing by letting my boss know this".
Who ever is doing this is the same person who made all those negative comments about me in here (my blog). I have sent an email to all my friends because someone knows someone who knows someone who is trying to ruin me, and it is through the link in my emails that people are able to access this blog.
I am going to put out a plea to this 'annonymous' person. Why are you trying to do this to me? I have no enemies that I am aware of. I have not killed anyone, I have never stolen someone's boyfriend or husband. I have not done anything to anyone that would cause them to want to destroy the one good thing I have going for me. Annonymous...I have worked very hard to get my life back in order. I have literally crawled through blood, sweat and tears to put the shattered pieces of my life back into something resembling an existence worth fighting for and that is what I am prepared to do....fight. With every ounce of energy I have, I am going to find out who you are to ask you in person why you want to take this life I have forged, away from me?
What have I ever done to you to cause this type of rage and angst? What is wrong with you? Do you have a lonely life and feel that I have caused this to happen? Did I look to nice one day and cause you to feel jealous or envious? I understand that. I have felt jealous and I have felt envious of someone but not so much that I wanted to destroy their life. Calling my boss and making up such a horrendous story was so cruel, I can't wrap my head around wanting to do something like that to someone who had never done anything to me.
Do you know me? Have we met? Did we talk? Did I think you were my friend and open up my heart to you? Do you know anything about my childhood or my life growing up with no mother and no father emotionally available to me due to alcohol? Did you know that I have almost died several times due to my drug use but for some reason, God didn't want me yet and put me back to finish my job down here. Did you know any of that??
Do you know how much I love animals and how many hours I have donated to working as a volunteer at Sarvey Wildlife Center or at the Humane Society? Do you know that I love, feel, cry, eat, sleep and pray like any other person? Do you know how much I love and care for my friends and how fiercly loyal I am to them? Do you not have friends and are you jealous of my having some?
WHy do you want to cost me my job? I don't use drugs with anyone, let alone 'your son'.....what caused you to say such a thing? Did something bad happen to you on methadone so you feel you need to lash out at all who had a successful experience from it? Methadone saved my life. It made staying off of drugs and alcohol possible. I had never been able to stop using drugs before Methadone entered my life. It is legal, it is inexpensive (compared to heroin) and it saved me from having to put needles filled with toxic poison into my body. Why do you have such a problem with that? Were you kicked off the program for some reason and you blame me? I never got anyone in trouble at my clinics....I never have done anything to anyone that should make them wish to retaliate in this manner so I am going to appeal to your heart (if you indeed have one).
Please annonymous, please allow me to keep my new life. Please stop attacking me from this dark space you are in. I am begging you to have a heart and try to put yourself in my shoes. I have no one. I have no relatives, no mom or dad to talk to or comfort me in my times of need. I have no real friends to speak of that can do anything for me. I am really all alone on this earth and now I have a really great chance of having a career and you are trying to rip this from me and not only that, but you don't have enough courage to come out of the shadows and show yourself. Why? If I were this mad at someone...I would want them to know how I felt. I would want to have closure and fix what ever it was that was broken. I am 51 years old and I deserve the chance to have happiness....and you are trying to take it all away from me.
Who are you and what have I done to make you wish to cause me this much pain.....
Who ever is doing this is the same person who made all those negative comments about me in here (my blog). I have sent an email to all my friends because someone knows someone who knows someone who is trying to ruin me, and it is through the link in my emails that people are able to access this blog.
I am going to put out a plea to this 'annonymous' person. Why are you trying to do this to me? I have no enemies that I am aware of. I have not killed anyone, I have never stolen someone's boyfriend or husband. I have not done anything to anyone that would cause them to want to destroy the one good thing I have going for me. Annonymous...I have worked very hard to get my life back in order. I have literally crawled through blood, sweat and tears to put the shattered pieces of my life back into something resembling an existence worth fighting for and that is what I am prepared to do....fight. With every ounce of energy I have, I am going to find out who you are to ask you in person why you want to take this life I have forged, away from me?
What have I ever done to you to cause this type of rage and angst? What is wrong with you? Do you have a lonely life and feel that I have caused this to happen? Did I look to nice one day and cause you to feel jealous or envious? I understand that. I have felt jealous and I have felt envious of someone but not so much that I wanted to destroy their life. Calling my boss and making up such a horrendous story was so cruel, I can't wrap my head around wanting to do something like that to someone who had never done anything to me.
Do you know me? Have we met? Did we talk? Did I think you were my friend and open up my heart to you? Do you know anything about my childhood or my life growing up with no mother and no father emotionally available to me due to alcohol? Did you know that I have almost died several times due to my drug use but for some reason, God didn't want me yet and put me back to finish my job down here. Did you know any of that??
Do you know how much I love animals and how many hours I have donated to working as a volunteer at Sarvey Wildlife Center or at the Humane Society? Do you know that I love, feel, cry, eat, sleep and pray like any other person? Do you know how much I love and care for my friends and how fiercly loyal I am to them? Do you not have friends and are you jealous of my having some?
WHy do you want to cost me my job? I don't use drugs with anyone, let alone 'your son'.....what caused you to say such a thing? Did something bad happen to you on methadone so you feel you need to lash out at all who had a successful experience from it? Methadone saved my life. It made staying off of drugs and alcohol possible. I had never been able to stop using drugs before Methadone entered my life. It is legal, it is inexpensive (compared to heroin) and it saved me from having to put needles filled with toxic poison into my body. Why do you have such a problem with that? Were you kicked off the program for some reason and you blame me? I never got anyone in trouble at my clinics....I never have done anything to anyone that should make them wish to retaliate in this manner so I am going to appeal to your heart (if you indeed have one).
Please annonymous, please allow me to keep my new life. Please stop attacking me from this dark space you are in. I am begging you to have a heart and try to put yourself in my shoes. I have no one. I have no relatives, no mom or dad to talk to or comfort me in my times of need. I have no real friends to speak of that can do anything for me. I am really all alone on this earth and now I have a really great chance of having a career and you are trying to rip this from me and not only that, but you don't have enough courage to come out of the shadows and show yourself. Why? If I were this mad at someone...I would want them to know how I felt. I would want to have closure and fix what ever it was that was broken. I am 51 years old and I deserve the chance to have happiness....and you are trying to take it all away from me.
Who are you and what have I done to make you wish to cause me this much pain.....
Monday, September 7, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me!!
Well, 51 years ago today I was born. This was also Labor Day in 1958 as well as the day of the Miss America Pageant. My mother looked at her beautiful blue eyed baby girl and made a silent with that one day she would become a Miss America. Boy was I one big disappointment. Hey mom....I didn't make Miss America but I was the first woman ever convicted of robbery in Alameda County? That's got to count for something, eh?
Birthdays when we are adults are nothing like birthdays when we were children. Adult birthdays are so....adult. My mom may have done alot of things wrong but when it came to my birthdays, she did everything right. The first birthday cake I can remember was this huge doll cake. She made the cake into the dress of the doll, each layer was decorated more beautifully than the next. There was a beautiful girl doll sitting on the top so the cake was her ball gown.
She would invite all my friends and we would go to 'Adventure Land" which was an amusement park on the coast in San Francisco, well, it was Pacifica. There was this lady robot (but we thought she was real when we were little) that laughed and swayed back and forth while laughing in this scary, but contagious way. Once you walked inside the "Fun House", these big turn styles were swirling around and around so if you were wearing any skirts or dresses, they were blown all over and whipped up. This was the classic fun house. With the sidewalk that moved sideways, it had this awesome all wood super slide that you used a burlap bag to sit in and go flying down to the bottom. They had this really fun centrifugal force disk that we sat on and it began spinning around. As it picked up speed, people start flying off of it and go crashing into a padded wall. It was SO fun trying to hang on to this thing...but it was smooth brass and there was absolutely nothing to hang on to. There was the spinning giant barrel that we walked through and if you fell, you were sent up the sides where you would slide back down, only to be spun up the other side. Getting back up and being able to loco mote yourself out of there took alot of energy but we were kids and had endless supplies of it.
My birthdays as an adult have been way less exciting. My 40th birthday was fun, even though it was me who planned it. I don't remember anyone going all out for my birthday aside from my mom. That is sad because I have gone all out when planning my friends and significant other's birthdays. My crowning glory was planning my dad's 70th surprise party. That was awesome, I had gathered family from all over the country to gather at my house and totally surprise my dad when we took him to the Eagles Club in Granite Falls. It was all my doing, I did all the inviting, food planning and preparation.....everything. It felt so great to see my dad's face when he walked in and saw all of his sons in the same room along with his long lost brother and nieces and nephews. I felt like I had completed the most awesome task.
Last year was a biggy, 50th birthday. I spent it with two people that are no longer my friends...and that is sad because I enjoyed their company but the woman had too many issues with me and was unable to keep up the front of pretending she liked me. They took me out to dinner and we then went and sang Karaoke. I had an OK time. Nothing special, later I was told how horribly I had acted...even though I was stone cold sober and she got so drunk that she made a complete fool of herself when she got up to sing. There is not much more painful that watching(listening...ouch) to a friend making a complete ass out of herself in front of a room full of people and not being able to do a damn thing but sit there and hope it ends soon. Watching all the people roll their eyes and put their hands over their ears was hard to do...well...ok, it was funny because all I had heard about from this person was what an amazing voice she had and what a great singer she was. She was always wanting to go sing Karaoke with me and I had a slight idea what she was going to sound like, I had heard her singing with the radio when we went for drives. She did not disappoint. She opened her mouth and every ear in the place was wounded. She had no idea and kept singing and her boyfriend turned to me and said, "I don't know why she keeps trying to do this, she is not good at it but I can't tell her that." Awwww poor dude.
I woke up alone this morning. Yeah....how sucky. I have a 'best friend' I live with. Well, she is my friend but she sure isn't the 'best' friend I have ever had. I Love her and I am not quite sure why. Maybe it is my unused maternal instincts that keep her in my life. She is the child I never had. I don't know what it is, but i do love her and I try not to have expectations of her so that I am not continually disappointed or hurt...but that was hard today. I had hoped she would consider this day important enough to stay home for. It would have been so great to wake up to a cupcake with a candle in it to go with my coffee.....perhaps a card or some cheesy lil present. I know she has very little money to operate with, but she could have spent a couple bucks to get me something just to show me she was thinking about me and that she considered my waking up to a friendly show of love and appreciation
....but alas, it didn't turn out that way. I am ok, I am always ok....My mom once told me a great saying and it goes like this, "Of all sad words of tongue of pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'". I might have had a cupcake with a candle in it waiting for me when I woke up this morning, but it wasn't here and my day is going to be the same regardless of how it started out. I do not dwell on negative things for very long. That is not healthy and it does no good. I am 51, healthy, employed, attractive, my cat has food, my car has gas, my refrigerator has food in it and I have a roof over my head. That's all I need to be happy....that and this coffee cup....and this ash tray, and I won't need anything else, but this computer...my coffee cup, ash try and computer and that's all I need and I don't need nothing else....but my cat...my cat, this computer, my ashtray and my coffee cup...and that's all I need.
See ya
Birthdays when we are adults are nothing like birthdays when we were children. Adult birthdays are so....adult. My mom may have done alot of things wrong but when it came to my birthdays, she did everything right. The first birthday cake I can remember was this huge doll cake. She made the cake into the dress of the doll, each layer was decorated more beautifully than the next. There was a beautiful girl doll sitting on the top so the cake was her ball gown.
She would invite all my friends and we would go to 'Adventure Land" which was an amusement park on the coast in San Francisco, well, it was Pacifica. There was this lady robot (but we thought she was real when we were little) that laughed and swayed back and forth while laughing in this scary, but contagious way. Once you walked inside the "Fun House", these big turn styles were swirling around and around so if you were wearing any skirts or dresses, they were blown all over and whipped up. This was the classic fun house. With the sidewalk that moved sideways, it had this awesome all wood super slide that you used a burlap bag to sit in and go flying down to the bottom. They had this really fun centrifugal force disk that we sat on and it began spinning around. As it picked up speed, people start flying off of it and go crashing into a padded wall. It was SO fun trying to hang on to this thing...but it was smooth brass and there was absolutely nothing to hang on to. There was the spinning giant barrel that we walked through and if you fell, you were sent up the sides where you would slide back down, only to be spun up the other side. Getting back up and being able to loco mote yourself out of there took alot of energy but we were kids and had endless supplies of it.
My birthdays as an adult have been way less exciting. My 40th birthday was fun, even though it was me who planned it. I don't remember anyone going all out for my birthday aside from my mom. That is sad because I have gone all out when planning my friends and significant other's birthdays. My crowning glory was planning my dad's 70th surprise party. That was awesome, I had gathered family from all over the country to gather at my house and totally surprise my dad when we took him to the Eagles Club in Granite Falls. It was all my doing, I did all the inviting, food planning and preparation.....everything. It felt so great to see my dad's face when he walked in and saw all of his sons in the same room along with his long lost brother and nieces and nephews. I felt like I had completed the most awesome task.
Last year was a biggy, 50th birthday. I spent it with two people that are no longer my friends...and that is sad because I enjoyed their company but the woman had too many issues with me and was unable to keep up the front of pretending she liked me. They took me out to dinner and we then went and sang Karaoke. I had an OK time. Nothing special, later I was told how horribly I had acted...even though I was stone cold sober and she got so drunk that she made a complete fool of herself when she got up to sing. There is not much more painful that watching(listening...ouch) to a friend making a complete ass out of herself in front of a room full of people and not being able to do a damn thing but sit there and hope it ends soon. Watching all the people roll their eyes and put their hands over their ears was hard to do...well...ok, it was funny because all I had heard about from this person was what an amazing voice she had and what a great singer she was. She was always wanting to go sing Karaoke with me and I had a slight idea what she was going to sound like, I had heard her singing with the radio when we went for drives. She did not disappoint. She opened her mouth and every ear in the place was wounded. She had no idea and kept singing and her boyfriend turned to me and said, "I don't know why she keeps trying to do this, she is not good at it but I can't tell her that." Awwww poor dude.
I woke up alone this morning. Yeah....how sucky. I have a 'best friend' I live with. Well, she is my friend but she sure isn't the 'best' friend I have ever had. I Love her and I am not quite sure why. Maybe it is my unused maternal instincts that keep her in my life. She is the child I never had. I don't know what it is, but i do love her and I try not to have expectations of her so that I am not continually disappointed or hurt...but that was hard today. I had hoped she would consider this day important enough to stay home for. It would have been so great to wake up to a cupcake with a candle in it to go with my coffee.....perhaps a card or some cheesy lil present. I know she has very little money to operate with, but she could have spent a couple bucks to get me something just to show me she was thinking about me and that she considered my waking up to a friendly show of love and appreciation
....but alas, it didn't turn out that way. I am ok, I am always ok....My mom once told me a great saying and it goes like this, "Of all sad words of tongue of pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'". I might have had a cupcake with a candle in it waiting for me when I woke up this morning, but it wasn't here and my day is going to be the same regardless of how it started out. I do not dwell on negative things for very long. That is not healthy and it does no good. I am 51, healthy, employed, attractive, my cat has food, my car has gas, my refrigerator has food in it and I have a roof over my head. That's all I need to be happy....that and this coffee cup....and this ash tray, and I won't need anything else, but this computer...my coffee cup, ash try and computer and that's all I need and I don't need nothing else....but my cat...my cat, this computer, my ashtray and my coffee cup...and that's all I need.
See ya
Sunday, September 6, 2009
So Many Changes in My Life's Time
There is a song by John Denver that I love. I was such a John Denver fan that in 1975 when he played at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, my father drove all the way from the Bay Area to pick me up in Sacramento (about a 90 mile drive)then he turned around and drove me back to the Bay Area to the venu. I got out and went into that place and was just floored at how many people were there. I got into my little seat. It was in a corner, right next to the stairs, where they rows whittle down to just one seat, I can't explain it. Anyways, I sat there with my mouth open and my eyes bugging out just astounded at the sounds and his video screen behind him so that when he played his songs, beautiful pictures were shown behind him. My daddy slept in his car out in the parking lot. I was going to stay the night with him at his house but he decided to drive me back home to Sacramento instead. I would later find out that his wife didn't want me in their house. Yeah...I know...but he did what he could to see to it that I had a very memorable experience. I bought and paid for my tickets all by myself. I called the ticket place and found out where to go which was Tower Records (where all concert tickets were sold) and I found my way up there. My mother was too drunk at the time to help me. I was already living on my own in my apartment....so asking her for helping with anything was just a waste of time. She would have found some way to make what I wanted to do, dirty and evil sounding. For what ever reason it was, my mother thought of me as being some kind of trollop in school. I graduated a virgin for god's sake. When I was nominated for Junior Class Princess and ran into her room to share the good news with her. She was in 'her spot' which was lying in bed with the phone between her legs and a pitcher of ice water and a bottle of vodka on her nightstand, within reach. I told her what happened and she looked at me and said these words which I will never forget as long as I live. She said, "You're such a whore, of course they voted for you." I was just too stunned to move or reply. I turned and walked out of there as fast as I could. I closed her door and went into my old room and closed the door. I stood in front of my full length mirror on the back of my bedroom door and looked at myself and just strted to cry. How on earth could she say such a thing to me? She didn't even really know me or who I was at school. Who my friends were or what they thought of me. None of that was important to her and yet she could make such a statement to and about me? I just sucked it up and want on about my afternoon like I always did...
I turned on my tape recorder and listened to a song called'Poems Prayers and Promises" that goes like this:
I’ve been lately thinking
About my life’s time
All the things I’ve done
And how it’s been
And I can’t help believing
In my own mind
I know I’m gonna hate to see it end
I’ve seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I’ve known my lady’s pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home
And I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it’s cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life’s been good to me
There’s still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I’d like to raise a family
I’d like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon
I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share
Isn't that just beautiful? It makes me smile when I hear those words. I had a tape of John, it was "An Evening With John Denver" and I played that thing until there wsa no tape left. There were so many of his greatest hits on there. I had a connection with John, my first guitar was named "John". His music was the background music of my life after I left my mom's house and became emancipated and had my own apartment. It was a big secret. I didn't tell many of my friends at school because I was embarrased and didn't want them to know that I didn't have a family like they did. I had no mother or father to come home to and talk about my day, or to show my report cards to or have help me with my homework. Nope...I lived on my own from the age of 16 until I moved in with my father during the last half of my senior year (which was one huge mistake) Going back to living with someone telling you what to do, after you have been living on your own for 2 years was very hard to do.
I turned on my tape recorder and listened to a song called'Poems Prayers and Promises" that goes like this:
I’ve been lately thinking
About my life’s time
All the things I’ve done
And how it’s been
And I can’t help believing
In my own mind
I know I’m gonna hate to see it end
I’ve seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I’ve known my lady’s pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home
And I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it’s cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life’s been good to me
There’s still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I’d like to raise a family
I’d like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon
I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share
Isn't that just beautiful? It makes me smile when I hear those words. I had a tape of John, it was "An Evening With John Denver" and I played that thing until there wsa no tape left. There were so many of his greatest hits on there. I had a connection with John, my first guitar was named "John". His music was the background music of my life after I left my mom's house and became emancipated and had my own apartment. It was a big secret. I didn't tell many of my friends at school because I was embarrased and didn't want them to know that I didn't have a family like they did. I had no mother or father to come home to and talk about my day, or to show my report cards to or have help me with my homework. Nope...I lived on my own from the age of 16 until I moved in with my father during the last half of my senior year (which was one huge mistake) Going back to living with someone telling you what to do, after you have been living on your own for 2 years was very hard to do.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I start getting paid today!!!!
I have a job and now I start getting a pay check...YAY. I am supposed to feel excited and happy but I dont. Sorry I haven't written in here much..... I kinda let my blog die cause of work. I have no time......i get up, go to work come home......die. I get home at 7 and eat decompress in bed by 9.......oh God, is this my new life? once I start working those brutal 11-10 hours I am really gonna die.....get home, decompress in bed by midnight, sleep until 9 get up go to work, repeat.
Oh fuck.....i have GOT to find a man......a friend asked me if that meant I want to be a gold digger? Hell yes it does.... Only I don't need gold. Just love, a home to live in and someone to share it with. Only I have forgotten about the sex part........
Oh gosh, I am so sad......i don't know why. I feel like all of this is hollow because I have no one to share it with. I was laying in bed this morning and I woke up and thought......"is this it? is this what we do. We get born and have to figure out a way to survive down here til we die? Is that it? What the hell is that for? I didn’t sign up for this."
I am going to be 51 and I have no one to share my life with. no one to come home and talk about my day with and I don't have a clue how to fill that void.......computer dating? Maybe but it costs money and is a scary concept to me......going to a bar to meet someone HELL NO......signing up for a class? Been there, done that...they are all 20. My friend had to go half way around the world to meet his perfect ‘somebody’......do I have to do that? I will......i have no idea how to go meet people.......the ones I am around at work are......well.......drug addicts and alcoholics.....MY PEOPLE......but it is against all rules and ethical commandments to date clients......ever. if I meet, treat and relase someone......i can never date them......well, they said after 2 years but......eeewww. I will know all about their life and their fuck ups and flaws.......we all have them but we don't usually get to sit down and ask the kinds of questions I ask my patients (I hate saying that......my boss insists but they are NOT patients......they are clients......i am not a fucking doctor and I refuse to call them a patient......we were told in school NEVER to call someone a patient unless we had an MD or PHD behind our names........i only have an AA and a CDP after my name........gosh......i have letters after my name......wow. Now I need to get some letters in front of my name...
off to work
Oh fuck.....i have GOT to find a man......a friend asked me if that meant I want to be a gold digger? Hell yes it does.... Only I don't need gold. Just love, a home to live in and someone to share it with. Only I have forgotten about the sex part........
Oh gosh, I am so sad......i don't know why. I feel like all of this is hollow because I have no one to share it with. I was laying in bed this morning and I woke up and thought......"is this it? is this what we do. We get born and have to figure out a way to survive down here til we die? Is that it? What the hell is that for? I didn’t sign up for this."
I am going to be 51 and I have no one to share my life with. no one to come home and talk about my day with and I don't have a clue how to fill that void.......computer dating? Maybe but it costs money and is a scary concept to me......going to a bar to meet someone HELL NO......signing up for a class? Been there, done that...they are all 20. My friend had to go half way around the world to meet his perfect ‘somebody’......do I have to do that? I will......i have no idea how to go meet people.......the ones I am around at work are......well.......drug addicts and alcoholics.....MY PEOPLE......but it is against all rules and ethical commandments to date clients......ever. if I meet, treat and relase someone......i can never date them......well, they said after 2 years but......eeewww. I will know all about their life and their fuck ups and flaws.......we all have them but we don't usually get to sit down and ask the kinds of questions I ask my patients (I hate saying that......my boss insists but they are NOT patients......they are clients......i am not a fucking doctor and I refuse to call them a patient......we were told in school NEVER to call someone a patient unless we had an MD or PHD behind our names........i only have an AA and a CDP after my name........gosh......i have letters after my name......wow. Now I need to get some letters in front of my name...
off to work
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