Later That Day

I have been renting out too much free space in my head to my new hater. I need to pull back in my energy and let what is going to happen, happen. I am a firm believer in karma. What you give in life, so you shall receive. I have made my amends to those I hurt in my addiction. Those two people are now dead. I owe no one else anything. I owe myself a chance to be happy and to continue searching for what ever it is that will bring that to me.

I am not sure of this counseling gig. I am not a very confrontative person and I don't like thinking everyone is lying to me, even though most of them are. Every person that sits down in front of me for an evaluation is going to be saying what they think I want to hear them say....even though they have no idea what it is that I am looking for them to say to me. I just want them to be honest so that they can receive the help they need. Not every person that walks in there is an addict in need of treatment...however, having said that, I have yet to see someone walk in there that wasn't told they need to receive treatment and at a very high cost.(time wise, commitment wise and of course dollar wise)

I have a friend who when she was given her assessment, as soon as they saw that she had 'the blue folder' her diagnosis rose significantly...meaning when they saw she had Boeing medical insurance....so they gave her a Boeing diagnosis...meaning the most expensive treatment available. There is another facility named Lakeside Milam that gives free evaluations but that is because they put everyone in treatment, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Most places charge anywhere from $95 to $135 for an evaluation. What Milam is doing is so wrong. Where most places consider someone addiction free until after they complete their diagnosis...Lakeside Milam looks at everyone walking in their doors a person in need of treatment, whether they need it or not...they will be given a diagnosis of addiction regardless of it that is true or not. I went through an evaluation at Lakeside and immediately felt uncomfortable the way the man looked at me and talked to me. He had my diagnosis ready even before he got my UA back or any of my collateral information. Where I work and at most places, we wait until we have all the information in our possession before we make our determination. All information meaning criminal history, driving history, UA results, and any and all information that will help us to provide a very accurate diagnosis.

I know this is boring....I find it boring myself. Which leads me to this conclusion....is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What I really want is for someone to find me, date me, fall in love with me and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him so he can take care of me in the manner to which I long to become accustomed. That's what I really want to do. I worked very hard in college to get good grades so that where ever I worked, I would do a good job. As it turns out, nothign I have learned in college has helped me in this field one single bit. I am doing things that were NEVER covered in school. I didn't learn one single thing that helps me in my field, which makes me wonder what the hell do they make us go to school for in the first place? This is definately a job that needs on the job training and nothing in school is going to come close to fulfilling those requirements. I am angry at how much money I spent to go to school, only to find none of it did me one bit of good and most of it was so outdated and false. Really, those few classes that did address issues we would face in the field, were far and few between.....oh gosh I am so upset now. The more I think about this, the most upset I become.