I start getting paid today!!!!

I have a job and now I start getting a pay check...YAY. I am supposed to feel excited and happy but I dont. Sorry I haven't written in here much..... I kinda let my blog die cause of work. I have no time......i get up, go to work come home......die. I get home at 7 and eat decompress in bed by 9.......oh God, is this my new life? once I start working those brutal 11-10 hours I am really gonna die.....get home, decompress in bed by midnight, sleep until 9 get up go to work, repeat.
Oh fuck.....i have GOT to find a man......a friend asked me if that meant I want to be a gold digger? Hell yes it does.... Only I don't need gold. Just love, a home to live in and someone to share it with. Only I have forgotten about the sex part........
Oh gosh, I am so sad......i don't know why. I feel like all of this is hollow because I have no one to share it with. I was laying in bed this morning and I woke up and thought......"is this it? is this what we do. We get born and have to figure out a way to survive down here til we die? Is that it? What the hell is that for? I didn’t sign up for this."

I am going to be 51 and I have no one to share my life with. no one to come home and talk about my day with and I don't have a clue how to fill that void.......computer dating? Maybe but it costs money and is a scary concept to me......going to a bar to meet someone HELL NO......signing up for a class? Been there, done that...they are all 20. My friend had to go half way around the world to meet his perfect ‘somebody’......do I have to do that? I will......i have no idea how to go meet people.......the ones I am around at work are......well.......drug addicts and alcoholics.....MY PEOPLE......but it is against all rules and ethical commandments to date clients......ever. if I meet, treat and relase someone......i can never date them......well, they said after 2 years but......eeewww. I will know all about their life and their fuck ups and flaws.......we all have them but we don't usually get to sit down and ask the kinds of questions I ask my patients (I hate saying that......my boss insists but they are NOT patients......they are clients......i am not a fucking doctor and I refuse to call them a patient......we were told in school NEVER to call someone a patient unless we had an MD or PHD behind our names........i only have an AA and a CDP after my name........gosh......i have letters after my name......wow. Now I need to get some letters in front of my name...

off to work