Well, I dont' know if anyone notices this or not, but I have not added anything to my blog in over a couple weeks. I have had a very horrible negative even occur due to this blog that I figured not writing it would help solve thta problem. I know it is 'giving up' and letting that mother trucker who tried to ruin my job 'win'...but that isn't it. I just don't really have the time or the need to have a blog. My hopes were for a positive experience for myself and those who read it. I did have that reaction, but I never in a million years imagined that some random stranger/xfriend would take the opportunity to try to ruin my life.
Those negative, cowardly comments were just the beginning of what that horrid monster did to me. Calling my job, making up stories about my using drugs with 'their son' and telling my boss I was on methadone really upset me and those who love me. I have a very strong idea as to who it is that did that and my lawyer said there is really nothing I can do as of this point in time. Unfortunately, being a rotten mean spirited person is not against the law. People are free to be who they wish to be and if they choose to spend their time hurting other hard working, good,kind people than that is their perogative. However, it is also my perogative to close this blog and start a new one somewhere else and at another time.
to all who did follow and enjoy this blog, thank you. TO those of you who took this as an opportunity to hurt me, your 'reward' will come later. karma is a very serious, veyr real entity.....I don't have to lay one hand on you. You have sowed your seeds and you will reap your rewards from that negative effort.
Good Bye.....and remember
Gorgeous the Life
Susan
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
As Others See It
These are a few of the reponses I received after I sent out a blanket email to all my friends, telling them about what is going on with my stalker.
Hi, Susan
That is absolutely disgusting that someone would be trying so hard to screw you that way, not to say just downright chickenshit to do it anonymously. Rest assured that it isn't me. There are certainly people in this world that I don't much care for, my asshole older brother for one, but I would NEVER do anything to cause him trouble on his job, even if I knew him to be a child molester (which he most assuredly is not) and he worked in a daycare center I wouldn't call his employer. Whoever is doing this is so low that they have to look up to see the underbelly of a snake.
I don't forward E-mails as a rule and I have never forwarded one of yours or even given anyone the link to your blog. I think you are a courageous woman doing what you have done and considering the trials and hardships that you have endured throughout your life. You don't need anyone throwing more rusty nails and broken glass in your path.
You know that I am always your friend.
Joel
Susie Que-I am soooo sorry that someone is being such a SHIT! They obviously have nothing better to do. Hopefully you will be able to find out who this awful person is and stop them from being so cruel. Hang in there. I love you and I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE WORKED TO GET YOUSELF BACK TO LIFE!!
Hugs
Laura
Dearest Susan,
Please tell me you haven't lost your job!?You must feel so low. I am so sorry to hear about this drama in your life. No, I wouldn't deliberately hurst anyone, especially you. I am so proud of you! Can you close your blog down so no one can continue leaving their cowardly comments? I love you! Kari
My dear friend:
I would never do that to you - or anyone. I know you don't suspect me. I am VERY proud of the "tribulations" [a HUGE understatement in my feeble opinion] that you have overcome, Susan.
I have only been on your blog once, and decided I would rather just use e-mail. Never went back in. You and I get along well with this forum - and the rest of the bloggers can just go f**k themselves.
I fully empathize - to the extent possible. I've never been in your current situation. I have only one word for whomever is behind this:COWARD.
Going to the police can't hurt, probably be a "low" priority. They'll probably suggest you "unplug" your blog.I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Susan.
You are a SHINING example of resilience, perseverance, and tenacity. I am ignorant when it comes to drug abuse, but I can say I suspect you are in a huge MINORITY of people who overcome what you have - and made something of yourself.
I hope the harrassment and threats stop.
Bless you.
Love,
Ron
Hang in there. This person is an asshole and I know you know it. Just keep being you! Hugs
Laura
It feels so good to know that I have good people in my life that care enough about me to write such amazing things about me. My stalkers feelings seem to stem from a resentment towards Methadone...that seems to be what pisses them off the most. I was able to get my life back on track by using this amazing drug....did they not have a positive experience with it? Apparantly not. There are many (thousands in fact) of counselors using methadone. Not just drug and alcohol counselors at that, marriage counselors, financial counselors, mental health counselors...the list is long. Methadone users are covered under the American Disabilities Act just like any other person with a disease that needs a drug to help them. This person made a complete fool of themselves when they called my boss because he understands this and after he hung up the phone, he turned to me and said, "Some are always going to be sicker than others." He told the stalker, "Thanks for giving me all this useless information that I can do nothing with". I Hope that just chapped their ass. What happens next is up to them, and how I react to it is up to me.
I have another follower named 'Thingy' who has posted some very positive comments on my blog and I thought that was very kind.
It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is shining and I feel great. I just received word yesterday that one of the clinics I had sent my resume to wants to meet with me. I had started out my venture in becoming a CDP to work with woman in prison....I may have my chance...not only to go to work in corrections, but to relocate as well. This job is in another state...one I would LOVE to move to....stay tuned.
One good thing about being an intern is that I get to go places and try on different jobs in my quest to find out where I want to settle in. I made a mistake in posting where I work in here so stalker bitch was able to contact my employers. Options isn't the end of my journey, it is only the beginning. I will be much more careful about what I post. I never in a million years thought that starting a blog would almost cost me a job....good thing it didn't, but I have been taught a tough lesson. That being that the world is full of haters and the best revenge in life is to live well. To you my stalker, get a life of your own, that way trying to disrupt another person's life won't be so entertaining.
Peace Outty
Hi, Susan
That is absolutely disgusting that someone would be trying so hard to screw you that way, not to say just downright chickenshit to do it anonymously. Rest assured that it isn't me. There are certainly people in this world that I don't much care for, my asshole older brother for one, but I would NEVER do anything to cause him trouble on his job, even if I knew him to be a child molester (which he most assuredly is not) and he worked in a daycare center I wouldn't call his employer. Whoever is doing this is so low that they have to look up to see the underbelly of a snake.
I don't forward E-mails as a rule and I have never forwarded one of yours or even given anyone the link to your blog. I think you are a courageous woman doing what you have done and considering the trials and hardships that you have endured throughout your life. You don't need anyone throwing more rusty nails and broken glass in your path.
You know that I am always your friend.
Joel
Susie Que-I am soooo sorry that someone is being such a SHIT! They obviously have nothing better to do. Hopefully you will be able to find out who this awful person is and stop them from being so cruel. Hang in there. I love you and I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE WORKED TO GET YOUSELF BACK TO LIFE!!
Hugs
Laura
Dearest Susan,
Please tell me you haven't lost your job!?You must feel so low. I am so sorry to hear about this drama in your life. No, I wouldn't deliberately hurst anyone, especially you. I am so proud of you! Can you close your blog down so no one can continue leaving their cowardly comments? I love you! Kari
My dear friend:
I would never do that to you - or anyone. I know you don't suspect me. I am VERY proud of the "tribulations" [a HUGE understatement in my feeble opinion] that you have overcome, Susan.
I have only been on your blog once, and decided I would rather just use e-mail. Never went back in. You and I get along well with this forum - and the rest of the bloggers can just go f**k themselves.
I fully empathize - to the extent possible. I've never been in your current situation. I have only one word for whomever is behind this:COWARD.
Going to the police can't hurt, probably be a "low" priority. They'll probably suggest you "unplug" your blog.I'm so sorry this is happening to you, Susan.
You are a SHINING example of resilience, perseverance, and tenacity. I am ignorant when it comes to drug abuse, but I can say I suspect you are in a huge MINORITY of people who overcome what you have - and made something of yourself.
I hope the harrassment and threats stop.
Bless you.
Love,
Ron
Hang in there. This person is an asshole and I know you know it. Just keep being you! Hugs
Laura
It feels so good to know that I have good people in my life that care enough about me to write such amazing things about me. My stalkers feelings seem to stem from a resentment towards Methadone...that seems to be what pisses them off the most. I was able to get my life back on track by using this amazing drug....did they not have a positive experience with it? Apparantly not. There are many (thousands in fact) of counselors using methadone. Not just drug and alcohol counselors at that, marriage counselors, financial counselors, mental health counselors...the list is long. Methadone users are covered under the American Disabilities Act just like any other person with a disease that needs a drug to help them. This person made a complete fool of themselves when they called my boss because he understands this and after he hung up the phone, he turned to me and said, "Some are always going to be sicker than others." He told the stalker, "Thanks for giving me all this useless information that I can do nothing with". I Hope that just chapped their ass. What happens next is up to them, and how I react to it is up to me.
I have another follower named 'Thingy' who has posted some very positive comments on my blog and I thought that was very kind.
It is a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun is shining and I feel great. I just received word yesterday that one of the clinics I had sent my resume to wants to meet with me. I had started out my venture in becoming a CDP to work with woman in prison....I may have my chance...not only to go to work in corrections, but to relocate as well. This job is in another state...one I would LOVE to move to....stay tuned.
One good thing about being an intern is that I get to go places and try on different jobs in my quest to find out where I want to settle in. I made a mistake in posting where I work in here so stalker bitch was able to contact my employers. Options isn't the end of my journey, it is only the beginning. I will be much more careful about what I post. I never in a million years thought that starting a blog would almost cost me a job....good thing it didn't, but I have been taught a tough lesson. That being that the world is full of haters and the best revenge in life is to live well. To you my stalker, get a life of your own, that way trying to disrupt another person's life won't be so entertaining.
Peace Outty
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Later That Day
I have been renting out too much free space in my head to my new hater. I need to pull back in my energy and let what is going to happen, happen. I am a firm believer in karma. What you give in life, so you shall receive. I have made my amends to those I hurt in my addiction. Those two people are now dead. I owe no one else anything. I owe myself a chance to be happy and to continue searching for what ever it is that will bring that to me.
I am not sure of this counseling gig. I am not a very confrontative person and I don't like thinking everyone is lying to me, even though most of them are. Every person that sits down in front of me for an evaluation is going to be saying what they think I want to hear them say....even though they have no idea what it is that I am looking for them to say to me. I just want them to be honest so that they can receive the help they need. Not every person that walks in there is an addict in need of treatment...however, having said that, I have yet to see someone walk in there that wasn't told they need to receive treatment and at a very high cost.(time wise, commitment wise and of course dollar wise)
I have a friend who when she was given her assessment, as soon as they saw that she had 'the blue folder' her diagnosis rose significantly...meaning when they saw she had Boeing medical insurance....so they gave her a Boeing diagnosis...meaning the most expensive treatment available. There is another facility named Lakeside Milam that gives free evaluations but that is because they put everyone in treatment, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Most places charge anywhere from $95 to $135 for an evaluation. What Milam is doing is so wrong. Where most places consider someone addiction free until after they complete their diagnosis...Lakeside Milam looks at everyone walking in their doors a person in need of treatment, whether they need it or not...they will be given a diagnosis of addiction regardless of it that is true or not. I went through an evaluation at Lakeside and immediately felt uncomfortable the way the man looked at me and talked to me. He had my diagnosis ready even before he got my UA back or any of my collateral information. Where I work and at most places, we wait until we have all the information in our possession before we make our determination. All information meaning criminal history, driving history, UA results, and any and all information that will help us to provide a very accurate diagnosis.
I know this is boring....I find it boring myself. Which leads me to this conclusion....is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What I really want is for someone to find me, date me, fall in love with me and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him so he can take care of me in the manner to which I long to become accustomed. That's what I really want to do. I worked very hard in college to get good grades so that where ever I worked, I would do a good job. As it turns out, nothign I have learned in college has helped me in this field one single bit. I am doing things that were NEVER covered in school. I didn't learn one single thing that helps me in my field, which makes me wonder what the hell do they make us go to school for in the first place? This is definately a job that needs on the job training and nothing in school is going to come close to fulfilling those requirements. I am angry at how much money I spent to go to school, only to find none of it did me one bit of good and most of it was so outdated and false. Really, those few classes that did address issues we would face in the field, were far and few between.....oh gosh I am so upset now. The more I think about this, the most upset I become.
I am not sure of this counseling gig. I am not a very confrontative person and I don't like thinking everyone is lying to me, even though most of them are. Every person that sits down in front of me for an evaluation is going to be saying what they think I want to hear them say....even though they have no idea what it is that I am looking for them to say to me. I just want them to be honest so that they can receive the help they need. Not every person that walks in there is an addict in need of treatment...however, having said that, I have yet to see someone walk in there that wasn't told they need to receive treatment and at a very high cost.(time wise, commitment wise and of course dollar wise)
I have a friend who when she was given her assessment, as soon as they saw that she had 'the blue folder' her diagnosis rose significantly...meaning when they saw she had Boeing medical insurance....so they gave her a Boeing diagnosis...meaning the most expensive treatment available. There is another facility named Lakeside Milam that gives free evaluations but that is because they put everyone in treatment, regardless of whether they really need it or not. Most places charge anywhere from $95 to $135 for an evaluation. What Milam is doing is so wrong. Where most places consider someone addiction free until after they complete their diagnosis...Lakeside Milam looks at everyone walking in their doors a person in need of treatment, whether they need it or not...they will be given a diagnosis of addiction regardless of it that is true or not. I went through an evaluation at Lakeside and immediately felt uncomfortable the way the man looked at me and talked to me. He had my diagnosis ready even before he got my UA back or any of my collateral information. Where I work and at most places, we wait until we have all the information in our possession before we make our determination. All information meaning criminal history, driving history, UA results, and any and all information that will help us to provide a very accurate diagnosis.
I know this is boring....I find it boring myself. Which leads me to this conclusion....is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What I really want is for someone to find me, date me, fall in love with me and ask me to spend the rest of my life with him so he can take care of me in the manner to which I long to become accustomed. That's what I really want to do. I worked very hard in college to get good grades so that where ever I worked, I would do a good job. As it turns out, nothign I have learned in college has helped me in this field one single bit. I am doing things that were NEVER covered in school. I didn't learn one single thing that helps me in my field, which makes me wonder what the hell do they make us go to school for in the first place? This is definately a job that needs on the job training and nothing in school is going to come close to fulfilling those requirements. I am angry at how much money I spent to go to school, only to find none of it did me one bit of good and most of it was so outdated and false. Really, those few classes that did address issues we would face in the field, were far and few between.....oh gosh I am so upset now. The more I think about this, the most upset I become.
The Day After
Hello friends and enemy. I have not begun to embrace this dark entity into my life as if I had cancer. People deal with horrible parasitic tumors all the time and they still continue to live and enjoy their life. I work with two people undergoing serious cancer treatment. My boss is undergoing radiation for her cancer that reappeared and moved from her now two removed breasts to her lymph system. She leaves work for radiation then comes back. My other supervisor is going through chemo therapy for Hep C. He is so sick from his treatments. One boss is very quiet and doesn't say a word about her discomfort...the other one...well, suffice it to say he enjoys attention so he mentions how sick and uncomfortable he is to every person he passes by. It is almost annoying...but I don't say anything. As one very wise and sage person once told me...just smile and file. I do alot of that at work. I am having a really hard time trying to figure out if I want to stay at this one place or go pursue other options.....I will consider my work here as training and that leaves many things open to me.
This person who is trying to ruin me knows where I work because I stupidly put it in my profile. I thought I had been very careful not to put where i worked out there, but I did and now I am having to deal with their sick shit. It's all good. I have a detective working on it. He was a family friend and even though no real crime has been committed, this is enough to get our friend on the job. We are going to get the phone records from my job and find out the number that call came from and take it from there.
I hope this will put a scare into who ever is going this to me. I really am prepared to go to the wall fighting back on this one. NO one is going to jepordize my livelyhood over some personal problem they may be having with me.
To not be able to show themselves and to hide behind the word "Anonymous" shows them to be very cowardly. If they really were a human being with courge and pride, they would have no problem coming out into the open and dealing with me that way. Oh well...it is what it is and I will continue on enjoying my sucesses.
This person who is trying to ruin me knows where I work because I stupidly put it in my profile. I thought I had been very careful not to put where i worked out there, but I did and now I am having to deal with their sick shit. It's all good. I have a detective working on it. He was a family friend and even though no real crime has been committed, this is enough to get our friend on the job. We are going to get the phone records from my job and find out the number that call came from and take it from there.
I hope this will put a scare into who ever is going this to me. I really am prepared to go to the wall fighting back on this one. NO one is going to jepordize my livelyhood over some personal problem they may be having with me.
To not be able to show themselves and to hide behind the word "Anonymous" shows them to be very cowardly. If they really were a human being with courge and pride, they would have no problem coming out into the open and dealing with me that way. Oh well...it is what it is and I will continue on enjoying my sucesses.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Someone Out There is Trying to Ruin My Life
Hello friends, fans and enemy mine. How are you? Someone out there is trying to ruin my life and this is how. Someone called my job using the name "Annonymous" and told my co-worker that I was a drug addict who was using with her son. It was also said that I am using methadone and that this person was tryin to do 'the right thing by letting my boss know this".
Who ever is doing this is the same person who made all those negative comments about me in here (my blog). I have sent an email to all my friends because someone knows someone who knows someone who is trying to ruin me, and it is through the link in my emails that people are able to access this blog.
I am going to put out a plea to this 'annonymous' person. Why are you trying to do this to me? I have no enemies that I am aware of. I have not killed anyone, I have never stolen someone's boyfriend or husband. I have not done anything to anyone that would cause them to want to destroy the one good thing I have going for me. Annonymous...I have worked very hard to get my life back in order. I have literally crawled through blood, sweat and tears to put the shattered pieces of my life back into something resembling an existence worth fighting for and that is what I am prepared to do....fight. With every ounce of energy I have, I am going to find out who you are to ask you in person why you want to take this life I have forged, away from me?
What have I ever done to you to cause this type of rage and angst? What is wrong with you? Do you have a lonely life and feel that I have caused this to happen? Did I look to nice one day and cause you to feel jealous or envious? I understand that. I have felt jealous and I have felt envious of someone but not so much that I wanted to destroy their life. Calling my boss and making up such a horrendous story was so cruel, I can't wrap my head around wanting to do something like that to someone who had never done anything to me.
Do you know me? Have we met? Did we talk? Did I think you were my friend and open up my heart to you? Do you know anything about my childhood or my life growing up with no mother and no father emotionally available to me due to alcohol? Did you know that I have almost died several times due to my drug use but for some reason, God didn't want me yet and put me back to finish my job down here. Did you know any of that??
Do you know how much I love animals and how many hours I have donated to working as a volunteer at Sarvey Wildlife Center or at the Humane Society? Do you know that I love, feel, cry, eat, sleep and pray like any other person? Do you know how much I love and care for my friends and how fiercly loyal I am to them? Do you not have friends and are you jealous of my having some?
WHy do you want to cost me my job? I don't use drugs with anyone, let alone 'your son'.....what caused you to say such a thing? Did something bad happen to you on methadone so you feel you need to lash out at all who had a successful experience from it? Methadone saved my life. It made staying off of drugs and alcohol possible. I had never been able to stop using drugs before Methadone entered my life. It is legal, it is inexpensive (compared to heroin) and it saved me from having to put needles filled with toxic poison into my body. Why do you have such a problem with that? Were you kicked off the program for some reason and you blame me? I never got anyone in trouble at my clinics....I never have done anything to anyone that should make them wish to retaliate in this manner so I am going to appeal to your heart (if you indeed have one).
Please annonymous, please allow me to keep my new life. Please stop attacking me from this dark space you are in. I am begging you to have a heart and try to put yourself in my shoes. I have no one. I have no relatives, no mom or dad to talk to or comfort me in my times of need. I have no real friends to speak of that can do anything for me. I am really all alone on this earth and now I have a really great chance of having a career and you are trying to rip this from me and not only that, but you don't have enough courage to come out of the shadows and show yourself. Why? If I were this mad at someone...I would want them to know how I felt. I would want to have closure and fix what ever it was that was broken. I am 51 years old and I deserve the chance to have happiness....and you are trying to take it all away from me.
Who are you and what have I done to make you wish to cause me this much pain.....
Who ever is doing this is the same person who made all those negative comments about me in here (my blog). I have sent an email to all my friends because someone knows someone who knows someone who is trying to ruin me, and it is through the link in my emails that people are able to access this blog.
I am going to put out a plea to this 'annonymous' person. Why are you trying to do this to me? I have no enemies that I am aware of. I have not killed anyone, I have never stolen someone's boyfriend or husband. I have not done anything to anyone that would cause them to want to destroy the one good thing I have going for me. Annonymous...I have worked very hard to get my life back in order. I have literally crawled through blood, sweat and tears to put the shattered pieces of my life back into something resembling an existence worth fighting for and that is what I am prepared to do....fight. With every ounce of energy I have, I am going to find out who you are to ask you in person why you want to take this life I have forged, away from me?
What have I ever done to you to cause this type of rage and angst? What is wrong with you? Do you have a lonely life and feel that I have caused this to happen? Did I look to nice one day and cause you to feel jealous or envious? I understand that. I have felt jealous and I have felt envious of someone but not so much that I wanted to destroy their life. Calling my boss and making up such a horrendous story was so cruel, I can't wrap my head around wanting to do something like that to someone who had never done anything to me.
Do you know me? Have we met? Did we talk? Did I think you were my friend and open up my heart to you? Do you know anything about my childhood or my life growing up with no mother and no father emotionally available to me due to alcohol? Did you know that I have almost died several times due to my drug use but for some reason, God didn't want me yet and put me back to finish my job down here. Did you know any of that??
Do you know how much I love animals and how many hours I have donated to working as a volunteer at Sarvey Wildlife Center or at the Humane Society? Do you know that I love, feel, cry, eat, sleep and pray like any other person? Do you know how much I love and care for my friends and how fiercly loyal I am to them? Do you not have friends and are you jealous of my having some?
WHy do you want to cost me my job? I don't use drugs with anyone, let alone 'your son'.....what caused you to say such a thing? Did something bad happen to you on methadone so you feel you need to lash out at all who had a successful experience from it? Methadone saved my life. It made staying off of drugs and alcohol possible. I had never been able to stop using drugs before Methadone entered my life. It is legal, it is inexpensive (compared to heroin) and it saved me from having to put needles filled with toxic poison into my body. Why do you have such a problem with that? Were you kicked off the program for some reason and you blame me? I never got anyone in trouble at my clinics....I never have done anything to anyone that should make them wish to retaliate in this manner so I am going to appeal to your heart (if you indeed have one).
Please annonymous, please allow me to keep my new life. Please stop attacking me from this dark space you are in. I am begging you to have a heart and try to put yourself in my shoes. I have no one. I have no relatives, no mom or dad to talk to or comfort me in my times of need. I have no real friends to speak of that can do anything for me. I am really all alone on this earth and now I have a really great chance of having a career and you are trying to rip this from me and not only that, but you don't have enough courage to come out of the shadows and show yourself. Why? If I were this mad at someone...I would want them to know how I felt. I would want to have closure and fix what ever it was that was broken. I am 51 years old and I deserve the chance to have happiness....and you are trying to take it all away from me.
Who are you and what have I done to make you wish to cause me this much pain.....
Monday, September 7, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me!!
Well, 51 years ago today I was born. This was also Labor Day in 1958 as well as the day of the Miss America Pageant. My mother looked at her beautiful blue eyed baby girl and made a silent with that one day she would become a Miss America. Boy was I one big disappointment. Hey mom....I didn't make Miss America but I was the first woman ever convicted of robbery in Alameda County? That's got to count for something, eh?
Birthdays when we are adults are nothing like birthdays when we were children. Adult birthdays are so....adult. My mom may have done alot of things wrong but when it came to my birthdays, she did everything right. The first birthday cake I can remember was this huge doll cake. She made the cake into the dress of the doll, each layer was decorated more beautifully than the next. There was a beautiful girl doll sitting on the top so the cake was her ball gown.
She would invite all my friends and we would go to 'Adventure Land" which was an amusement park on the coast in San Francisco, well, it was Pacifica. There was this lady robot (but we thought she was real when we were little) that laughed and swayed back and forth while laughing in this scary, but contagious way. Once you walked inside the "Fun House", these big turn styles were swirling around and around so if you were wearing any skirts or dresses, they were blown all over and whipped up. This was the classic fun house. With the sidewalk that moved sideways, it had this awesome all wood super slide that you used a burlap bag to sit in and go flying down to the bottom. They had this really fun centrifugal force disk that we sat on and it began spinning around. As it picked up speed, people start flying off of it and go crashing into a padded wall. It was SO fun trying to hang on to this thing...but it was smooth brass and there was absolutely nothing to hang on to. There was the spinning giant barrel that we walked through and if you fell, you were sent up the sides where you would slide back down, only to be spun up the other side. Getting back up and being able to loco mote yourself out of there took alot of energy but we were kids and had endless supplies of it.
My birthdays as an adult have been way less exciting. My 40th birthday was fun, even though it was me who planned it. I don't remember anyone going all out for my birthday aside from my mom. That is sad because I have gone all out when planning my friends and significant other's birthdays. My crowning glory was planning my dad's 70th surprise party. That was awesome, I had gathered family from all over the country to gather at my house and totally surprise my dad when we took him to the Eagles Club in Granite Falls. It was all my doing, I did all the inviting, food planning and preparation.....everything. It felt so great to see my dad's face when he walked in and saw all of his sons in the same room along with his long lost brother and nieces and nephews. I felt like I had completed the most awesome task.
Last year was a biggy, 50th birthday. I spent it with two people that are no longer my friends...and that is sad because I enjoyed their company but the woman had too many issues with me and was unable to keep up the front of pretending she liked me. They took me out to dinner and we then went and sang Karaoke. I had an OK time. Nothing special, later I was told how horribly I had acted...even though I was stone cold sober and she got so drunk that she made a complete fool of herself when she got up to sing. There is not much more painful that watching(listening...ouch) to a friend making a complete ass out of herself in front of a room full of people and not being able to do a damn thing but sit there and hope it ends soon. Watching all the people roll their eyes and put their hands over their ears was hard to do...well...ok, it was funny because all I had heard about from this person was what an amazing voice she had and what a great singer she was. She was always wanting to go sing Karaoke with me and I had a slight idea what she was going to sound like, I had heard her singing with the radio when we went for drives. She did not disappoint. She opened her mouth and every ear in the place was wounded. She had no idea and kept singing and her boyfriend turned to me and said, "I don't know why she keeps trying to do this, she is not good at it but I can't tell her that." Awwww poor dude.
I woke up alone this morning. Yeah....how sucky. I have a 'best friend' I live with. Well, she is my friend but she sure isn't the 'best' friend I have ever had. I Love her and I am not quite sure why. Maybe it is my unused maternal instincts that keep her in my life. She is the child I never had. I don't know what it is, but i do love her and I try not to have expectations of her so that I am not continually disappointed or hurt...but that was hard today. I had hoped she would consider this day important enough to stay home for. It would have been so great to wake up to a cupcake with a candle in it to go with my coffee.....perhaps a card or some cheesy lil present. I know she has very little money to operate with, but she could have spent a couple bucks to get me something just to show me she was thinking about me and that she considered my waking up to a friendly show of love and appreciation
....but alas, it didn't turn out that way. I am ok, I am always ok....My mom once told me a great saying and it goes like this, "Of all sad words of tongue of pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'". I might have had a cupcake with a candle in it waiting for me when I woke up this morning, but it wasn't here and my day is going to be the same regardless of how it started out. I do not dwell on negative things for very long. That is not healthy and it does no good. I am 51, healthy, employed, attractive, my cat has food, my car has gas, my refrigerator has food in it and I have a roof over my head. That's all I need to be happy....that and this coffee cup....and this ash tray, and I won't need anything else, but this computer...my coffee cup, ash try and computer and that's all I need and I don't need nothing else....but my cat...my cat, this computer, my ashtray and my coffee cup...and that's all I need.
See ya
Birthdays when we are adults are nothing like birthdays when we were children. Adult birthdays are so....adult. My mom may have done alot of things wrong but when it came to my birthdays, she did everything right. The first birthday cake I can remember was this huge doll cake. She made the cake into the dress of the doll, each layer was decorated more beautifully than the next. There was a beautiful girl doll sitting on the top so the cake was her ball gown.
She would invite all my friends and we would go to 'Adventure Land" which was an amusement park on the coast in San Francisco, well, it was Pacifica. There was this lady robot (but we thought she was real when we were little) that laughed and swayed back and forth while laughing in this scary, but contagious way. Once you walked inside the "Fun House", these big turn styles were swirling around and around so if you were wearing any skirts or dresses, they were blown all over and whipped up. This was the classic fun house. With the sidewalk that moved sideways, it had this awesome all wood super slide that you used a burlap bag to sit in and go flying down to the bottom. They had this really fun centrifugal force disk that we sat on and it began spinning around. As it picked up speed, people start flying off of it and go crashing into a padded wall. It was SO fun trying to hang on to this thing...but it was smooth brass and there was absolutely nothing to hang on to. There was the spinning giant barrel that we walked through and if you fell, you were sent up the sides where you would slide back down, only to be spun up the other side. Getting back up and being able to loco mote yourself out of there took alot of energy but we were kids and had endless supplies of it.
My birthdays as an adult have been way less exciting. My 40th birthday was fun, even though it was me who planned it. I don't remember anyone going all out for my birthday aside from my mom. That is sad because I have gone all out when planning my friends and significant other's birthdays. My crowning glory was planning my dad's 70th surprise party. That was awesome, I had gathered family from all over the country to gather at my house and totally surprise my dad when we took him to the Eagles Club in Granite Falls. It was all my doing, I did all the inviting, food planning and preparation.....everything. It felt so great to see my dad's face when he walked in and saw all of his sons in the same room along with his long lost brother and nieces and nephews. I felt like I had completed the most awesome task.
Last year was a biggy, 50th birthday. I spent it with two people that are no longer my friends...and that is sad because I enjoyed their company but the woman had too many issues with me and was unable to keep up the front of pretending she liked me. They took me out to dinner and we then went and sang Karaoke. I had an OK time. Nothing special, later I was told how horribly I had acted...even though I was stone cold sober and she got so drunk that she made a complete fool of herself when she got up to sing. There is not much more painful that watching(listening...ouch) to a friend making a complete ass out of herself in front of a room full of people and not being able to do a damn thing but sit there and hope it ends soon. Watching all the people roll their eyes and put their hands over their ears was hard to do...well...ok, it was funny because all I had heard about from this person was what an amazing voice she had and what a great singer she was. She was always wanting to go sing Karaoke with me and I had a slight idea what she was going to sound like, I had heard her singing with the radio when we went for drives. She did not disappoint. She opened her mouth and every ear in the place was wounded. She had no idea and kept singing and her boyfriend turned to me and said, "I don't know why she keeps trying to do this, she is not good at it but I can't tell her that." Awwww poor dude.
I woke up alone this morning. Yeah....how sucky. I have a 'best friend' I live with. Well, she is my friend but she sure isn't the 'best' friend I have ever had. I Love her and I am not quite sure why. Maybe it is my unused maternal instincts that keep her in my life. She is the child I never had. I don't know what it is, but i do love her and I try not to have expectations of her so that I am not continually disappointed or hurt...but that was hard today. I had hoped she would consider this day important enough to stay home for. It would have been so great to wake up to a cupcake with a candle in it to go with my coffee.....perhaps a card or some cheesy lil present. I know she has very little money to operate with, but she could have spent a couple bucks to get me something just to show me she was thinking about me and that she considered my waking up to a friendly show of love and appreciation
....but alas, it didn't turn out that way. I am ok, I am always ok....My mom once told me a great saying and it goes like this, "Of all sad words of tongue of pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'". I might have had a cupcake with a candle in it waiting for me when I woke up this morning, but it wasn't here and my day is going to be the same regardless of how it started out. I do not dwell on negative things for very long. That is not healthy and it does no good. I am 51, healthy, employed, attractive, my cat has food, my car has gas, my refrigerator has food in it and I have a roof over my head. That's all I need to be happy....that and this coffee cup....and this ash tray, and I won't need anything else, but this computer...my coffee cup, ash try and computer and that's all I need and I don't need nothing else....but my cat...my cat, this computer, my ashtray and my coffee cup...and that's all I need.
See ya
Sunday, September 6, 2009
So Many Changes in My Life's Time
There is a song by John Denver that I love. I was such a John Denver fan that in 1975 when he played at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, my father drove all the way from the Bay Area to pick me up in Sacramento (about a 90 mile drive)then he turned around and drove me back to the Bay Area to the venu. I got out and went into that place and was just floored at how many people were there. I got into my little seat. It was in a corner, right next to the stairs, where they rows whittle down to just one seat, I can't explain it. Anyways, I sat there with my mouth open and my eyes bugging out just astounded at the sounds and his video screen behind him so that when he played his songs, beautiful pictures were shown behind him. My daddy slept in his car out in the parking lot. I was going to stay the night with him at his house but he decided to drive me back home to Sacramento instead. I would later find out that his wife didn't want me in their house. Yeah...I know...but he did what he could to see to it that I had a very memorable experience. I bought and paid for my tickets all by myself. I called the ticket place and found out where to go which was Tower Records (where all concert tickets were sold) and I found my way up there. My mother was too drunk at the time to help me. I was already living on my own in my apartment....so asking her for helping with anything was just a waste of time. She would have found some way to make what I wanted to do, dirty and evil sounding. For what ever reason it was, my mother thought of me as being some kind of trollop in school. I graduated a virgin for god's sake. When I was nominated for Junior Class Princess and ran into her room to share the good news with her. She was in 'her spot' which was lying in bed with the phone between her legs and a pitcher of ice water and a bottle of vodka on her nightstand, within reach. I told her what happened and she looked at me and said these words which I will never forget as long as I live. She said, "You're such a whore, of course they voted for you." I was just too stunned to move or reply. I turned and walked out of there as fast as I could. I closed her door and went into my old room and closed the door. I stood in front of my full length mirror on the back of my bedroom door and looked at myself and just strted to cry. How on earth could she say such a thing to me? She didn't even really know me or who I was at school. Who my friends were or what they thought of me. None of that was important to her and yet she could make such a statement to and about me? I just sucked it up and want on about my afternoon like I always did...
I turned on my tape recorder and listened to a song called'Poems Prayers and Promises" that goes like this:
I’ve been lately thinking
About my life’s time
All the things I’ve done
And how it’s been
And I can’t help believing
In my own mind
I know I’m gonna hate to see it end
I’ve seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I’ve known my lady’s pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home
And I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it’s cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life’s been good to me
There’s still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I’d like to raise a family
I’d like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon
I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share
Isn't that just beautiful? It makes me smile when I hear those words. I had a tape of John, it was "An Evening With John Denver" and I played that thing until there wsa no tape left. There were so many of his greatest hits on there. I had a connection with John, my first guitar was named "John". His music was the background music of my life after I left my mom's house and became emancipated and had my own apartment. It was a big secret. I didn't tell many of my friends at school because I was embarrased and didn't want them to know that I didn't have a family like they did. I had no mother or father to come home to and talk about my day, or to show my report cards to or have help me with my homework. Nope...I lived on my own from the age of 16 until I moved in with my father during the last half of my senior year (which was one huge mistake) Going back to living with someone telling you what to do, after you have been living on your own for 2 years was very hard to do.
I turned on my tape recorder and listened to a song called'Poems Prayers and Promises" that goes like this:
I’ve been lately thinking
About my life’s time
All the things I’ve done
And how it’s been
And I can’t help believing
In my own mind
I know I’m gonna hate to see it end
I’ve seen a lot of sunshine
Slept out in the rain
Spent a night or two all on my own
I’ve known my lady’s pleasures
Had myself some friends
And spent a night or two in my own home
And I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
The days they pass so quickly now
Nights are seldom long
And time around me whispers when it’s cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For though my life’s been good to me
There’s still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I’d like to raise a family
I’d like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon
I have to say it now
It’s been a good life all in all
It’s really fine
To have the chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and watch the sun go down
And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it’s been since yesterday
What about tomorrow
What about our dreams
And all the memories we share
Isn't that just beautiful? It makes me smile when I hear those words. I had a tape of John, it was "An Evening With John Denver" and I played that thing until there wsa no tape left. There were so many of his greatest hits on there. I had a connection with John, my first guitar was named "John". His music was the background music of my life after I left my mom's house and became emancipated and had my own apartment. It was a big secret. I didn't tell many of my friends at school because I was embarrased and didn't want them to know that I didn't have a family like they did. I had no mother or father to come home to and talk about my day, or to show my report cards to or have help me with my homework. Nope...I lived on my own from the age of 16 until I moved in with my father during the last half of my senior year (which was one huge mistake) Going back to living with someone telling you what to do, after you have been living on your own for 2 years was very hard to do.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I start getting paid today!!!!
I have a job and now I start getting a pay check...YAY. I am supposed to feel excited and happy but I dont. Sorry I haven't written in here much..... I kinda let my blog die cause of work. I have no time......i get up, go to work come home......die. I get home at 7 and eat decompress in bed by 9.......oh God, is this my new life? once I start working those brutal 11-10 hours I am really gonna die.....get home, decompress in bed by midnight, sleep until 9 get up go to work, repeat.
Oh fuck.....i have GOT to find a man......a friend asked me if that meant I want to be a gold digger? Hell yes it does.... Only I don't need gold. Just love, a home to live in and someone to share it with. Only I have forgotten about the sex part........
Oh gosh, I am so sad......i don't know why. I feel like all of this is hollow because I have no one to share it with. I was laying in bed this morning and I woke up and thought......"is this it? is this what we do. We get born and have to figure out a way to survive down here til we die? Is that it? What the hell is that for? I didn’t sign up for this."
I am going to be 51 and I have no one to share my life with. no one to come home and talk about my day with and I don't have a clue how to fill that void.......computer dating? Maybe but it costs money and is a scary concept to me......going to a bar to meet someone HELL NO......signing up for a class? Been there, done that...they are all 20. My friend had to go half way around the world to meet his perfect ‘somebody’......do I have to do that? I will......i have no idea how to go meet people.......the ones I am around at work are......well.......drug addicts and alcoholics.....MY PEOPLE......but it is against all rules and ethical commandments to date clients......ever. if I meet, treat and relase someone......i can never date them......well, they said after 2 years but......eeewww. I will know all about their life and their fuck ups and flaws.......we all have them but we don't usually get to sit down and ask the kinds of questions I ask my patients (I hate saying that......my boss insists but they are NOT patients......they are clients......i am not a fucking doctor and I refuse to call them a patient......we were told in school NEVER to call someone a patient unless we had an MD or PHD behind our names........i only have an AA and a CDP after my name........gosh......i have letters after my name......wow. Now I need to get some letters in front of my name...
off to work
Oh fuck.....i have GOT to find a man......a friend asked me if that meant I want to be a gold digger? Hell yes it does.... Only I don't need gold. Just love, a home to live in and someone to share it with. Only I have forgotten about the sex part........
Oh gosh, I am so sad......i don't know why. I feel like all of this is hollow because I have no one to share it with. I was laying in bed this morning and I woke up and thought......"is this it? is this what we do. We get born and have to figure out a way to survive down here til we die? Is that it? What the hell is that for? I didn’t sign up for this."
I am going to be 51 and I have no one to share my life with. no one to come home and talk about my day with and I don't have a clue how to fill that void.......computer dating? Maybe but it costs money and is a scary concept to me......going to a bar to meet someone HELL NO......signing up for a class? Been there, done that...they are all 20. My friend had to go half way around the world to meet his perfect ‘somebody’......do I have to do that? I will......i have no idea how to go meet people.......the ones I am around at work are......well.......drug addicts and alcoholics.....MY PEOPLE......but it is against all rules and ethical commandments to date clients......ever. if I meet, treat and relase someone......i can never date them......well, they said after 2 years but......eeewww. I will know all about their life and their fuck ups and flaws.......we all have them but we don't usually get to sit down and ask the kinds of questions I ask my patients (I hate saying that......my boss insists but they are NOT patients......they are clients......i am not a fucking doctor and I refuse to call them a patient......we were told in school NEVER to call someone a patient unless we had an MD or PHD behind our names........i only have an AA and a CDP after my name........gosh......i have letters after my name......wow. Now I need to get some letters in front of my name...
off to work
Friday, August 28, 2009
What's Up Susan?
Hey there....wow....what a week I have had. I am now doing my own assesments, evaluations, diagnosis and setting up appointment for intake. It's alot, I know but I am picking things up much quicker than any of us expected. Normally in one month, one can usually say they know how a person is, what makes them tick, how they 'roll'...well, I can say I now know how most of my co-workers and superiors 'roll'. My buddy Dawn is calling it 'The New Zoo Review' and she is very dead on the money. I have never seen such a variety of personalities....very STRONG personalities..in my life.
I am the third person in a 3 counselor staff...well four if you count one dude who doesn't do regular stuff....I want so badly to go into detail but that isnt a smart thing to do...suffice it to say that I am paying my dues by being treated like a retarded, ignorant person who knows nothing and is available to be talked down to, about and my feelings are disregaded as being unimportant. Such is the life of a new employee. My goal is to learn my job as quickly as possible so I will need to have as little contact as possible with superiors. That appears to be how it works there. Everyone is doing their own thing, not interacting much unless we are in a staff meeting. I hope to reach this level soon. Being treated like an ignorant underling is good inspiration for learning as much as I can as quickly as I can.
It is my weekend and I enjoy these days off so much. I am having second thoughts about my second thoughts. I need this job. I am not going to make any life altering decisions until after I have begun to get paid. That starts on the 1st of September. Once this happens, I am sure my attitude will change. We can do all sorts of things we didnt' think possible if there is a paycheck involved, right? As it stands now, I am an indentured servant, working for free...well, not for free. I am being paid by gaining valuable knowledge of how it is to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I am being given excellent examples of how NOT to be daily.
One is not supposed to dominate their 3 hours IOP groups by talking about themselves, continously, repeatedly and endlessly. One of my co-workers does just that. These poor clients are forced to sit in a room and listen to this man go on nd on about himself, his old life, what he did to get high, how he got high, where he got high and who he got high with. It is as if he is reliving his addictive lifestyle daily. As far as I know, reliving and glamorizing those days is not a healthy way to a serene sobriety. Glamorizing the illegal and immoral aspects of our pasts is not healthy. Neither is talking about ones self for 3 hours when there are people sitting there wanting to talk, to share their experiences in getting sober. This is the whole reason for having 'Group therapy'...for them to be able to communicate with one another, giving feedback and process their issues together, leaning on one another for support, guidance, input and feedback....but to have to sit there for hour after hour, unable to get word in edgewise must be so frustrating. I cant bear it myself and I am not paying any money to be in there. If I had been forced to pay $3,000.00 for intensive outpatient therapy and was never allowed to speak, I would be taking names and numbers and taking steps to correct the situation. As it sits, these people dont' really want to be there to begin with, so not having to be put on the spot by talking about their feelings is probably just fine with them. That takes them off of the hot seat and allows them to just sit there, blending into the background while the center of the universe carries on ad lidum.....ooops I did what I said I wasn't going to do. I had better stop now.
I haven't heard from my number one fan in a few days...I hope they are doing well....(wink wink)
Talk with yall later.......
I am the third person in a 3 counselor staff...well four if you count one dude who doesn't do regular stuff....I want so badly to go into detail but that isnt a smart thing to do...suffice it to say that I am paying my dues by being treated like a retarded, ignorant person who knows nothing and is available to be talked down to, about and my feelings are disregaded as being unimportant. Such is the life of a new employee. My goal is to learn my job as quickly as possible so I will need to have as little contact as possible with superiors. That appears to be how it works there. Everyone is doing their own thing, not interacting much unless we are in a staff meeting. I hope to reach this level soon. Being treated like an ignorant underling is good inspiration for learning as much as I can as quickly as I can.
It is my weekend and I enjoy these days off so much. I am having second thoughts about my second thoughts. I need this job. I am not going to make any life altering decisions until after I have begun to get paid. That starts on the 1st of September. Once this happens, I am sure my attitude will change. We can do all sorts of things we didnt' think possible if there is a paycheck involved, right? As it stands now, I am an indentured servant, working for free...well, not for free. I am being paid by gaining valuable knowledge of how it is to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I am being given excellent examples of how NOT to be daily.
One is not supposed to dominate their 3 hours IOP groups by talking about themselves, continously, repeatedly and endlessly. One of my co-workers does just that. These poor clients are forced to sit in a room and listen to this man go on nd on about himself, his old life, what he did to get high, how he got high, where he got high and who he got high with. It is as if he is reliving his addictive lifestyle daily. As far as I know, reliving and glamorizing those days is not a healthy way to a serene sobriety. Glamorizing the illegal and immoral aspects of our pasts is not healthy. Neither is talking about ones self for 3 hours when there are people sitting there wanting to talk, to share their experiences in getting sober. This is the whole reason for having 'Group therapy'...for them to be able to communicate with one another, giving feedback and process their issues together, leaning on one another for support, guidance, input and feedback....but to have to sit there for hour after hour, unable to get word in edgewise must be so frustrating. I cant bear it myself and I am not paying any money to be in there. If I had been forced to pay $3,000.00 for intensive outpatient therapy and was never allowed to speak, I would be taking names and numbers and taking steps to correct the situation. As it sits, these people dont' really want to be there to begin with, so not having to be put on the spot by talking about their feelings is probably just fine with them. That takes them off of the hot seat and allows them to just sit there, blending into the background while the center of the universe carries on ad lidum.....ooops I did what I said I wasn't going to do. I had better stop now.
I haven't heard from my number one fan in a few days...I hope they are doing well....(wink wink)
Talk with yall later.......
Friday, August 21, 2009
Do You Know This Person
Tell me if you recognize this person.
They have already:
Been there,
done that,
seen it,
invented it,
worked it,
ate it,
fucked it,
smelled it,
tasted it,
walked by it,
owned it,
bought it,
sold it,
had it,
got rid of it,
found it,
smoked it,
snorted it,
shot it up,
choked it down,
drank it,
spit it out,
found it,
lost it,
painted it,
wore it,
created it,
lived in it.....
And they love to tell you about all of it. Nothing you have to say registers with them. They are so busy waiting for you to take that one breath when you finish your sentence so they can talk to one up you. They didnt' listen to you....they wanted to talk. They wanted to be better than, faster than, smarter than, bigger than, more powerful than...it is exhausting to talk with them because you start to buy into it. Your heart starts beating faster and you are trying to stay focused and just talk but you know they are waiting, like a lion...waiting to pounce on your last word so they can show you up.
Do you know this person? I do. I don't let myself get wrapped up into the competition because I know I won't win. I know I am never going to say anything to this person that is going to make them say, "Wow, that's cool. I've never heard that before."...or, "I didn't know that."...Never gonna happen. How could it? They already know every fucking thing there is to know on this planet.
After you figure out who this person is, you can just sit back and relax, knowing you are never going to get a chance to talk or finish a sentence so just sit back and enjoy the show. They eventually have to come up for air at some point.
Here is a good tip to test yourself to see if you are really listening to a person or if you are just waiting for them to stop talking so you can bombard the conversation with your brilliance....check where the tip of your tongue is. If it is resting, relaxed on the bottom of your mouth, in its little cubby hole tongue spot...then you are truly listening. But If it is pointed, with the tip pressed right behind your top front two teeth, well then my friend...you are not listening. You are waiting to speak and not paying any attention to what is being said to you. You cannot be ready to talk and be actively listening at the same time, it is impossible. Anyone who says they can do this, is lying. They are conversation sabateurs and they are professional and don't ever try to win because unless you are one yourself, you are not ever going to be able to connect and have a meaningful conversation with this person.
Here is how you respond to a person like this...First I have to ask you a question...How does a southern girl say "Fuck You"? Give up?.....they say "That's nice"....so when they stop talking and are looking for your response, go soutern on their ass and say "That's nice" (even boys can use it)
They have already:
Been there,
done that,
seen it,
invented it,
worked it,
ate it,
fucked it,
smelled it,
tasted it,
walked by it,
owned it,
bought it,
sold it,
had it,
got rid of it,
found it,
smoked it,
snorted it,
shot it up,
choked it down,
drank it,
spit it out,
found it,
lost it,
painted it,
wore it,
created it,
lived in it.....
And they love to tell you about all of it. Nothing you have to say registers with them. They are so busy waiting for you to take that one breath when you finish your sentence so they can talk to one up you. They didnt' listen to you....they wanted to talk. They wanted to be better than, faster than, smarter than, bigger than, more powerful than...it is exhausting to talk with them because you start to buy into it. Your heart starts beating faster and you are trying to stay focused and just talk but you know they are waiting, like a lion...waiting to pounce on your last word so they can show you up.
Do you know this person? I do. I don't let myself get wrapped up into the competition because I know I won't win. I know I am never going to say anything to this person that is going to make them say, "Wow, that's cool. I've never heard that before."...or, "I didn't know that."...Never gonna happen. How could it? They already know every fucking thing there is to know on this planet.
After you figure out who this person is, you can just sit back and relax, knowing you are never going to get a chance to talk or finish a sentence so just sit back and enjoy the show. They eventually have to come up for air at some point.
Here is a good tip to test yourself to see if you are really listening to a person or if you are just waiting for them to stop talking so you can bombard the conversation with your brilliance....check where the tip of your tongue is. If it is resting, relaxed on the bottom of your mouth, in its little cubby hole tongue spot...then you are truly listening. But If it is pointed, with the tip pressed right behind your top front two teeth, well then my friend...you are not listening. You are waiting to speak and not paying any attention to what is being said to you. You cannot be ready to talk and be actively listening at the same time, it is impossible. Anyone who says they can do this, is lying. They are conversation sabateurs and they are professional and don't ever try to win because unless you are one yourself, you are not ever going to be able to connect and have a meaningful conversation with this person.
Here is how you respond to a person like this...First I have to ask you a question...How does a southern girl say "Fuck You"? Give up?.....they say "That's nice"....so when they stop talking and are looking for your response, go soutern on their ass and say "That's nice" (even boys can use it)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I AM A DRUG COUNSELOR FOR REALS
I AM A PRACTICING,WORKING, GROUP COUNSELING, ONE ON ONEING, EVALUATING, ASSESING, FULL FLEDGED, STATE APPROVED DRUG AND ALCOHOL COUNSELOR INTERN!!!
This week I start one of my own groups, and I will be slowly giving a case load, one patient at a time. The other counselors will slowly start filtering their people over to me and then as new ones sign up, we go on a rotation basis.......CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I AM WORKING AS A COUNSELOR. They gve me my new cards last week but they made a printing error and had me on as being a domestic violence expert (or something like that.) hell, when they laughed and said ,”Well, I guess that was a mistake, you don't know anything about that”.....I wanted so badly to say to them, “I have forgotten more about domestic voilence than most people will ever know” but I didn’t......I just smiled and handed him back the card and will get the new ones this week.......they say
Susan Martin
CDPT
Chemical Dependency Professional
Isn't that great? I didn’t think I was ever going to get a job......now I have to get my paperwork in order with DOH and I will be set. It’s a long story about that......i would love to share it with you but in a conversation. It is long and drawn out and hard to type.
I wish Dad and Mom were around to see this. I bet Joni (stepmonster)is so pissed off that I am doing something good and productive with my life. I have a career......not a stupid job. I am a counselor......god. I know now why we get 3 day weekends.....its because we need them. This is draining as hell, but we get time to reboot......all day Friday all I do is sit in my jammies and sleep, nap, rest.....then I feel better for the rest of the weekend......I am so proud of myself. I will be on payroll by the end of this month, instead of October like they first told me. They thought it was going to take 90 days to train me...I have picked everythign they need me to know in order for me to start working in one month...well, it will be one month on the 16th and I will start being paid on the
17th or the 24th. I am just so pround I could bust. I dont remember being proud of myself much in my life.
I have had alot of emotional support from my little sister in Tennessee, Peggy Sue. I also have had lots of love from Dawn, as much as she drives me crazy.. I Love her to death. She is the child I never had and as long as I continue to think of her that way, it's all good. Yeah, I get mad at her and rant and rave...but at the end of the day, there is no person on earth who knows me better than she does and she can say (and get away with her life when saying them) things to me that no one else can or would.
I love the weather today too. It is cool, raining and perfect for me. NO hot, steamy, humid god damned day. It has cooled considerably since last hell week. This time last week it was already 90 degrees.
ok, I have to get ready for WORK. Bye!
This week I start one of my own groups, and I will be slowly giving a case load, one patient at a time. The other counselors will slowly start filtering their people over to me and then as new ones sign up, we go on a rotation basis.......CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I AM WORKING AS A COUNSELOR. They gve me my new cards last week but they made a printing error and had me on as being a domestic violence expert (or something like that.) hell, when they laughed and said ,”Well, I guess that was a mistake, you don't know anything about that”.....I wanted so badly to say to them, “I have forgotten more about domestic voilence than most people will ever know” but I didn’t......I just smiled and handed him back the card and will get the new ones this week.......they say
Susan Martin
CDPT
Chemical Dependency Professional
Isn't that great? I didn’t think I was ever going to get a job......now I have to get my paperwork in order with DOH and I will be set. It’s a long story about that......i would love to share it with you but in a conversation. It is long and drawn out and hard to type.
I wish Dad and Mom were around to see this. I bet Joni (stepmonster)is so pissed off that I am doing something good and productive with my life. I have a career......not a stupid job. I am a counselor......god. I know now why we get 3 day weekends.....its because we need them. This is draining as hell, but we get time to reboot......all day Friday all I do is sit in my jammies and sleep, nap, rest.....then I feel better for the rest of the weekend......I am so proud of myself. I will be on payroll by the end of this month, instead of October like they first told me. They thought it was going to take 90 days to train me...I have picked everythign they need me to know in order for me to start working in one month...well, it will be one month on the 16th and I will start being paid on the
17th or the 24th. I am just so pround I could bust. I dont remember being proud of myself much in my life.
I have had alot of emotional support from my little sister in Tennessee, Peggy Sue. I also have had lots of love from Dawn, as much as she drives me crazy.. I Love her to death. She is the child I never had and as long as I continue to think of her that way, it's all good. Yeah, I get mad at her and rant and rave...but at the end of the day, there is no person on earth who knows me better than she does and she can say (and get away with her life when saying them) things to me that no one else can or would.
I love the weather today too. It is cool, raining and perfect for me. NO hot, steamy, humid god damned day. It has cooled considerably since last hell week. This time last week it was already 90 degrees.
ok, I have to get ready for WORK. Bye!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Hey Mom..Look At Me Now!!!
I am doing it~!!! I am working as a chemical dependency counselor. My new boss is very pleased with my rapid progress. I should be running my own groups by the end of this month...meaning I should be getting a pay check too. I have been working on a volunteer basis...which explains why they always laugh at me when I ask "Would it be alright if I went to lunch?" or "Could I possibly take off a half hour early?"..they laugh because I am not on the payroll, nor am I an employee so what i do, and when I do it is my call, not theirs. But in my head, I am an employee and I should ask permission to go home early. However, it shows that I have great respect for my superiors and that when I am on the payroll, they can expect professional behavior from me.
I love this work. It is getting much easier as time progresses. I am pooped on days off however. I slept late yesterday and had very little energy to do much of anything. It felt so good to be lying on my couch, watching TV and NOT feeling guilty for not job hunting. Also, the NOT worrying about what am I going to do when my trust fund runs out because I cannot find a job...I don't have to worry about that anymore. I WILL have a retirement like my mother had planned. I don't have to keep taking money out of that instead of putting money back into it. That is going to become my IRA or my 401K. I don't know if I will have one of those at this job. Here's how badly I wanted it. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHAT THE PAY WAS OR IF THEY OFFERED BENEFITS!!!! I just wanted to go to work so badly, those things weren't important to me.
I know once I start getting paid, it will be quite nice. One of my co-workers explained to me why we don't have fancy office supplies. She said, 'Susie doesn't spend any extra money on frills which is why she can afford to give us awesome paychecks." I didn't ask her what she was making, but I have paid attention to this field on line and the pay offered to beginners is always over $15 per hour. I HAVE NEVER MADE MORE THAN $12 AN HOUR AT ANY JOB IN MY LIFE. I had just been given my 'raise' the day before I was fired at Celebrations Catering. I never even got to see it on my paycheck. I am so excited to start getting paid.
The training I am receiving is pricless to me. I feel like I didn't even go to college because NOTHING I learned in there is being used here. NOTHING. Not one thing that we paid to be taught is being used causing me to wonder who it is that puts together the cirriculum. We were only giving one day, one credit for "Assesments and Evaluations"...THAT IS ALL WE DO, ALL DAY LONG!! It is the most important thing we could have been taught and instead of getting an entire quarter on it, we got 8 hours. I have no idea whose brilliance is responsible for that, but I am going to write a letter to Edmonds Comm. College to give them my opinion of what I was taught and how useless it has been for me in the field.
For any of you who don't know me, my saying that I am going to write a letter means nothing to you. For those of you that do know me...you know how serious I take my letter writing. I have been writing letters to express myself all my life. In High School I wrote what i called 'Not quite letters". They were written when I was upset, excited, in love, in hate...when ever I was having a serious feeling and didn't know what to do with it. I had learned by experience to not write those letters and actually give them to the people they were written about. I had made that mistake and it cost me greatly. I had a counselor that suggested I write my letters but just put them in a box and then enjoy the feeling of release while not hurting anyone. That box I used was decorated and very full by the time I left my moms house and took it with me.
Since then I have found a new hobby which is writing letters to the Editor of my local newspaper The Herald. To date, I have had 38 letters published since 1986 when I wrote my first one on how upset I was with the new law making it illegal to ride in the back of a pick up truck. I have some of my best childhood memories that were in the back of my dad's variety of pick up trucks.
Now I am just rambling. I do write letters, I write them for my friends when they need a good letter written to their...oh let's say their boss, x boyfriend, soon to be x boyfriend/girlfriend....ramdon businesses that displeased them in some way...it is a hobby of mine. I Love seeing my letters published in the newspaper. I keep hoping the Herald will offer me a column...with this name 'As Susan Sees It" or.."The World According to Susan"....I'll keep ya posted on the results of that. According to my new best friend (aka Annonymous) I cant interest anyone and my writing sucks..so...we'll see.
Back to my subject. I have been too busy to write in here much but now that I have a few hours...I love my new job. I was having doubts as to whether or not I had made a bad choice...but I didn't. I Love what I have chosen to do with the rest of my life. I actually think I will be good at this. People are already telling my new boss that they like me and can't wait for me to start my own groups, that they want to be in them. Now, that's a great idea I hope she listens to.
OK friends...I am going to go grocery shopping now. I'll talk with ya later
I love this work. It is getting much easier as time progresses. I am pooped on days off however. I slept late yesterday and had very little energy to do much of anything. It felt so good to be lying on my couch, watching TV and NOT feeling guilty for not job hunting. Also, the NOT worrying about what am I going to do when my trust fund runs out because I cannot find a job...I don't have to worry about that anymore. I WILL have a retirement like my mother had planned. I don't have to keep taking money out of that instead of putting money back into it. That is going to become my IRA or my 401K. I don't know if I will have one of those at this job. Here's how badly I wanted it. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHAT THE PAY WAS OR IF THEY OFFERED BENEFITS!!!! I just wanted to go to work so badly, those things weren't important to me.
I know once I start getting paid, it will be quite nice. One of my co-workers explained to me why we don't have fancy office supplies. She said, 'Susie doesn't spend any extra money on frills which is why she can afford to give us awesome paychecks." I didn't ask her what she was making, but I have paid attention to this field on line and the pay offered to beginners is always over $15 per hour. I HAVE NEVER MADE MORE THAN $12 AN HOUR AT ANY JOB IN MY LIFE. I had just been given my 'raise' the day before I was fired at Celebrations Catering. I never even got to see it on my paycheck. I am so excited to start getting paid.
The training I am receiving is pricless to me. I feel like I didn't even go to college because NOTHING I learned in there is being used here. NOTHING. Not one thing that we paid to be taught is being used causing me to wonder who it is that puts together the cirriculum. We were only giving one day, one credit for "Assesments and Evaluations"...THAT IS ALL WE DO, ALL DAY LONG!! It is the most important thing we could have been taught and instead of getting an entire quarter on it, we got 8 hours. I have no idea whose brilliance is responsible for that, but I am going to write a letter to Edmonds Comm. College to give them my opinion of what I was taught and how useless it has been for me in the field.
For any of you who don't know me, my saying that I am going to write a letter means nothing to you. For those of you that do know me...you know how serious I take my letter writing. I have been writing letters to express myself all my life. In High School I wrote what i called 'Not quite letters". They were written when I was upset, excited, in love, in hate...when ever I was having a serious feeling and didn't know what to do with it. I had learned by experience to not write those letters and actually give them to the people they were written about. I had made that mistake and it cost me greatly. I had a counselor that suggested I write my letters but just put them in a box and then enjoy the feeling of release while not hurting anyone. That box I used was decorated and very full by the time I left my moms house and took it with me.
Since then I have found a new hobby which is writing letters to the Editor of my local newspaper The Herald. To date, I have had 38 letters published since 1986 when I wrote my first one on how upset I was with the new law making it illegal to ride in the back of a pick up truck. I have some of my best childhood memories that were in the back of my dad's variety of pick up trucks.
Now I am just rambling. I do write letters, I write them for my friends when they need a good letter written to their...oh let's say their boss, x boyfriend, soon to be x boyfriend/girlfriend....ramdon businesses that displeased them in some way...it is a hobby of mine. I Love seeing my letters published in the newspaper. I keep hoping the Herald will offer me a column...with this name 'As Susan Sees It" or.."The World According to Susan"....I'll keep ya posted on the results of that. According to my new best friend (aka Annonymous) I cant interest anyone and my writing sucks..so...we'll see.
Back to my subject. I have been too busy to write in here much but now that I have a few hours...I love my new job. I was having doubts as to whether or not I had made a bad choice...but I didn't. I Love what I have chosen to do with the rest of my life. I actually think I will be good at this. People are already telling my new boss that they like me and can't wait for me to start my own groups, that they want to be in them. Now, that's a great idea I hope she listens to.
OK friends...I am going to go grocery shopping now. I'll talk with ya later
Friday, July 31, 2009
One of the Things I Do...
I Am An Animal Rescuer
My job is to assist God's creatures. I was born with the drive to fulfill their needs. I take in helpless, unwanted, homeless creatures without planning or selection.
I have bought dog food with my last dime. I have patted a mangy head with a bare hand. I have hugged someone vicious and afraid. I have fallen in love a thousand times and I have cried into the fur of a lifeless body too many times to count
I have animal friends and friends who have animal friends. I don't often use the word "pet". I notice those lost at the road side and my heart aches. I will hand raise a field mouse and make friends with a vulture. I know of no creature unworthy of my time.
I want to live forever if there aren't any animals in Heaven, but I believe there are. Why would God make something so perfect and leave it behind? Some may think we are master of the animals, but the animals have mastered themselves - something people still haven't learned.
But a rescue that makes the news gives me hope for mankind. We are a quiet but determined army and we are making a difference every day.
There is nothing more necessary than warming an orphan, nothing more rewarding than saving a life, no higher recognition than watching them thrive. There is no greater joy than seeing a baby play, who only days ago was too weak to eat. By the love of those who I've been privileged to rescue, I have been rescued. I know what true unconditional love really is........ for I've seen it shining in the eyes of so many, grateful for so little.
I am an Animal Rescuer....
My work is never done,
My home is never quiet,
My wallet is always empty,
My heart is always full.
My job is to assist God's creatures. I was born with the drive to fulfill their needs. I take in helpless, unwanted, homeless creatures without planning or selection.
I have bought dog food with my last dime. I have patted a mangy head with a bare hand. I have hugged someone vicious and afraid. I have fallen in love a thousand times and I have cried into the fur of a lifeless body too many times to count
I have animal friends and friends who have animal friends. I don't often use the word "pet". I notice those lost at the road side and my heart aches. I will hand raise a field mouse and make friends with a vulture. I know of no creature unworthy of my time.
I want to live forever if there aren't any animals in Heaven, but I believe there are. Why would God make something so perfect and leave it behind? Some may think we are master of the animals, but the animals have mastered themselves - something people still haven't learned.
But a rescue that makes the news gives me hope for mankind. We are a quiet but determined army and we are making a difference every day.
There is nothing more necessary than warming an orphan, nothing more rewarding than saving a life, no higher recognition than watching them thrive. There is no greater joy than seeing a baby play, who only days ago was too weak to eat. By the love of those who I've been privileged to rescue, I have been rescued. I know what true unconditional love really is........ for I've seen it shining in the eyes of so many, grateful for so little.
I am an Animal Rescuer....
My work is never done,
My home is never quiet,
My wallet is always empty,
My heart is always full.
Monday, July 27, 2009
The Geography of Women
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self‑preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran : ruled by nuts.
THE END
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa : half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe : well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain : very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece : gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain : with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel : has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada : self‑preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet : wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran : ruled by nuts.
THE END
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I wish I could be a handy man. I wish I knew how to paint, cut wood, hammer nails and measure stuff.......hey......wait a minute......I CAN DO THOSE THINGS. How come I can't build/repair/create stuff and get on that show "Extreme Makeover for Houses"? Shit.
Well, I wish I could play guitar and piano and sing and dance really well and wasn’t afraid to perform in front of people, then I could be on ‘Americas Got Talent” and win millions of dollars and have my own Vegas act........hey.....wait a sec......I CAN do those things......how come I'm not getting paid for it? sheeeeeittt.
Well, at least I don't have to worry about how come I can't dance really well and am over weight, or I could be on that new reality show ‘Dance your ass off”.......HEY, WAIT ONE FUCKING SECOND......I CAN dance and I am over weight......how come I didn’t hear about the auditions?
Well...good thing I was never taught how to groom a dog really well to AKC standards,from my father. Then I could go on that show 'Groomer Has It" and win $50.000 and a new mobile pet grooming bus and go into the pet grooming business for myself....wait one god damned second...I CAN DO THAT...I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT ALL MY LIFE. I can even clip a poodle to show standards. Crap...why aren't I doing tht for a living?
Well......the one think I know for sure I can't do is cook really well, like professionally trained people can. That's one thing for sure I don't have to wor......oh no......wait......I am having a memory.......oh fuck.....I CAN DO THAT, I WAS TRAINED PROFESSIONALLY AT CULINARY SCHOOL AND I CAN COOK BETTER THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
Fuck!! Why can't I be on any of those shows WHERE YOU win money for doing things better than other people?
Well, it gives me great relief to know that at least I went to college to learn how to talk to people who are upset because they got one DUI one time and now must pay tens of thousands of dollars to keep from getting it on their driving records by going to Intensive Outpatient Treatment......I can sit with them for hours on end and tell them why they are in denial and how they really do have a problem, they just don't know it yet but if they go to enough AA meetings, they will believe it......yeah, that’s what I am going to do. I'll have them get slips signed that can never be verified......and write down negative remarks about them not accepting the truth about their "Disease" if after those 2 years they still don't think they are an alcoholic.....making the judge think they are still very much in denial and that they need more thousand dollar treatment......yeah, that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Sure glad I decided to go to college to get my degree to help people. Do I sound bitter? I am. I have had a real piece of reality pie showing me what this 'treatment' people are getting is all about. MONEY. Plain and simple. Oh well...it's better than shooting heroin...right?
Well, I wish I could play guitar and piano and sing and dance really well and wasn’t afraid to perform in front of people, then I could be on ‘Americas Got Talent” and win millions of dollars and have my own Vegas act........hey.....wait a sec......I CAN do those things......how come I'm not getting paid for it? sheeeeeittt.
Well, at least I don't have to worry about how come I can't dance really well and am over weight, or I could be on that new reality show ‘Dance your ass off”.......HEY, WAIT ONE FUCKING SECOND......I CAN dance and I am over weight......how come I didn’t hear about the auditions?
Well...good thing I was never taught how to groom a dog really well to AKC standards,from my father. Then I could go on that show 'Groomer Has It" and win $50.000 and a new mobile pet grooming bus and go into the pet grooming business for myself....wait one god damned second...I CAN DO THAT...I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT ALL MY LIFE. I can even clip a poodle to show standards. Crap...why aren't I doing tht for a living?
Well......the one think I know for sure I can't do is cook really well, like professionally trained people can. That's one thing for sure I don't have to wor......oh no......wait......I am having a memory.......oh fuck.....I CAN DO THAT, I WAS TRAINED PROFESSIONALLY AT CULINARY SCHOOL AND I CAN COOK BETTER THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
Fuck!! Why can't I be on any of those shows WHERE YOU win money for doing things better than other people?
Well, it gives me great relief to know that at least I went to college to learn how to talk to people who are upset because they got one DUI one time and now must pay tens of thousands of dollars to keep from getting it on their driving records by going to Intensive Outpatient Treatment......I can sit with them for hours on end and tell them why they are in denial and how they really do have a problem, they just don't know it yet but if they go to enough AA meetings, they will believe it......yeah, that’s what I am going to do. I'll have them get slips signed that can never be verified......and write down negative remarks about them not accepting the truth about their "Disease" if after those 2 years they still don't think they are an alcoholic.....making the judge think they are still very much in denial and that they need more thousand dollar treatment......yeah, that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Sure glad I decided to go to college to get my degree to help people. Do I sound bitter? I am. I have had a real piece of reality pie showing me what this 'treatment' people are getting is all about. MONEY. Plain and simple. Oh well...it's better than shooting heroin...right?
Friday, July 24, 2009
First Weeks Are Tough
Well, I have completed my first week at my new job and let me tell you something. TEN HOUR DAYS SUCK!!!! I have always thought having a 4 day week would be awesome and the 3 day weekend even mobeta...But I think I was thinking about working a 4 day a week with 8 hour days. Those last 2 hours are freaking brutal.
I have basically been riding my couch for the last 7 years...those 2 years in college aside but really, I have been able to nap anytime I feel like it. Those days are GONE. I have to sit in groups and what really is the ball buster is those night groups. From 6:30 to 9:30 we are in a group..IOP.. Intensive Out Patient. These are people who have gotten DUI's and other drug and alcohol court related indicents. People have been arrested and their 'punishment' is to go to IOP in order to educate them on the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. I am the group leader and as such, I am to lead them into helpful and active discussions about addiction. Most of these folks are so mad that they have to be there. They don't believe they have any problems, aside from having to sit their ass in this fucking group. They want out of there in the worst way possible. Well...I am so empathetic. I know how they feel. I was one of them. I can see myself sitting there, arms crossed, foot tapping, conversation inside my head was 'Waaa Waaa Waaa...I am not like you, I never was like you and I never will be like you and what the fuck am I doing here?"
Well, I see me sitting in all those chairs. It is like a blast from the past, only now I am the one leading the group instead of follwing I was leading....leading while trying not to pass out from shere exhaustion. I literally gave myself whiplash from jerking my head up to keep from falling asleep. The people were laughing at me and I was so embarrased. It is just because I am not used to it. I will get better. I know I will. It's just in the mean time....this is gonna be tough.
I slept until 12:30 this morning (afternoon?) I have never slept in that late, ever. Not even when I worked until 3 in the morning. I always got up early. Not anymore. Stay tuned for more exciting stories of 'Susan has a new job'
I have basically been riding my couch for the last 7 years...those 2 years in college aside but really, I have been able to nap anytime I feel like it. Those days are GONE. I have to sit in groups and what really is the ball buster is those night groups. From 6:30 to 9:30 we are in a group..IOP.. Intensive Out Patient. These are people who have gotten DUI's and other drug and alcohol court related indicents. People have been arrested and their 'punishment' is to go to IOP in order to educate them on the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. I am the group leader and as such, I am to lead them into helpful and active discussions about addiction. Most of these folks are so mad that they have to be there. They don't believe they have any problems, aside from having to sit their ass in this fucking group. They want out of there in the worst way possible. Well...I am so empathetic. I know how they feel. I was one of them. I can see myself sitting there, arms crossed, foot tapping, conversation inside my head was 'Waaa Waaa Waaa...I am not like you, I never was like you and I never will be like you and what the fuck am I doing here?"
Well, I see me sitting in all those chairs. It is like a blast from the past, only now I am the one leading the group instead of follwing I was leading....leading while trying not to pass out from shere exhaustion. I literally gave myself whiplash from jerking my head up to keep from falling asleep. The people were laughing at me and I was so embarrased. It is just because I am not used to it. I will get better. I know I will. It's just in the mean time....this is gonna be tough.
I slept until 12:30 this morning (afternoon?) I have never slept in that late, ever. Not even when I worked until 3 in the morning. I always got up early. Not anymore. Stay tuned for more exciting stories of 'Susan has a new job'
Monday, July 20, 2009
#52
Well, it is 7:25 a.m. It is a beautiful sunny July day. I am up, dressed, lunch packed, car loaded with all my goodies for my new office and ready to go start job #52 (I know there were a few I forgot so that isn't the real number but it's close enough. I am nervous, apprehensive, tense and excited. I don't know how I am going to do. I am nervous that if I decorate my new office that I will curse myself. If I don't decorate it, I will be stuck sitting in a very drab, ugly office. I was told not to go overboard when decorating it, but to 'make it your own space'. So, I have two plants, some...well...all of my therapeutic books from school and from my own personal collection. I do have an impressive library if I do say so myself. Dawn gave me a beautiful card congratulating me on this new adventure. Bless her heart. I love her. Flaws, faults, imperfections and all. She is my friend and I do love her. I know I knock her around in here but that's just how we roll. I am by no means perfect either. I know she loves me with all her heart so that's all that counts, right? I love having someone who knows me as well as she does. She may not be a great house keeper but her knowledge of me, is second to NONE.
Her advice to me was, "Don't think anyone down there loves you because they don't and they will stab you in the back just as soon as look at ya. Just be careful, don't trust anyone and do good." I couldn't think of better advice myself. I do tend to get too comfortable at a job. I let my guard down, I talk too much about stuff that doesn't belong at the office and I trust people (women) who turn around and stab me in the back.
Here is a good example of just that very thing. When I worked at Rural Metro Ambulance, I befriended a gal named Jess. She had been there for several years and was loved by everyone. When she had marital problems, the company pitched in and got together an very nice Christmas for her and her kids when they were living in a woman's shelter. The big boss was friends with her from school and I figured she was a good person to make friends with. Boy was I wrong.
One day, she and I were talking about drugs and stuff, I had no idea that she was such a stoner. She loved pain pills, opiates, cocaine, you name it. Well, one day I brought her home with me and we got high. I did that stupid thing, I shared heroin with her. she loved it.....oh god Susan.
OK, fast forward several months. I am very close to my 6 month evaluation where they would decide to keep me permanent or not. Sunday night at 10:30, Jess is at my door wanting me to find her some coke. I don't have a clue where to do that, but I instead got her to pray with me. ( I was going through my christian phase at this time). I got on my knees with her and we prayed for God to take away her cravings. I had no idea what situation she had left at home. I would later find out. She left my place, to go home...or so I thought.
That next morning, I went into my office manager Candy to talk to her about Jess. Not to bring up the drug thing but to tell her I was worried about her state of mind. She mentioned 'Suicide' a couple times and I just did what a good friend would do. Candy told me that Jess hadn't come home that night and her husband had just called frantic with worry. I was sitting right there when Candy called Jess's husband Todd. she said, "Hello Todd, listen, Susan is in here and she said she saw Jess at around 10:30 last night and she left at about 11 and was fine.". I watched Candy's face while she listened to Todd's response, and it dropped. Her jaw fell open and the expression on her face could only be described as shocked. She said, "Oh, really....uh-huh..I see, well OK then. I will get back to you later."
She didn't let on to anything and she said to go back to my office that there was nothing else we could do. Five minutes later, I turn around and there stands Candy along with Jeannine(Human Resource Manager) and John (general manager). They tell me that I need to go with them for a drug test. That Todd had told them I was a "heroin dealing, drug using freak that Jess had been getting her drugs from". I was stunned. I had no idea that for the last 3 months Jess had been on a roll and when she got caught one night and was asked where she was getting her stuff from, she blurted out "This chick at work Susan" never thinking Todd or my path would ever cross, or so I imagined. I had no idea that she and he were fighting and his last words to her were, "You either stop going over to Susan's or I am leaving." and she left...TO GO TO SUSAN'S...FOR HER SECOND TIME ONLY. Her husband thought this was an on going thing and he was telling her it was 'her dealer or him'.
Oh my freaking GOD....can i pick'em or what. I was using heroin at that time and there was no way I was going to pass any drug test. Not because I was Jess's drug dealer but for reasons of my own...I was terrified. I got in the car with the two head honchos, John and Jeannine and we headed to the clinic for me to give a UA. All the drive there I kept saying, "I have never sold her anything. I don't do that. I don't know what she has been telling her husband!!" I kept asking, "Is this going to affect my evaluation?" and they kept saying ,"No, as long as everything comes out OK, this will have nothing to do with that." LIARS!!!
I won't go into detail about how to fake a, unobserved UA with no previous warning...those of you who have ever had to do it, know how I did it. It's embarrassing and disgusting to admit. OK, so I was not allowed back on the job until they got the results, which were "Flushed" meaning there was too much water in the specimen and I had to retest...which I was ready to do now because I had gotten someone else's pee for that second test...for the first one...oh forget it. It's gross what people will do to get through a drug test without failing. Most people knock on their friend's doors asking to borrow a cup of sugar or milk...not drug addicts. They ask for borrow a cup of urine....from my friends mother no less.
So, I went in for that second test, I passed and came back to work. But, when my 6th month anniversary came by, I was so excited and certain I had a job. I baked cookies and distributed them to all of the EMT's (Emergency Medical Techs aka ambulance drivers) and everyone else in the office. When it came time for my review...I walked into Candy's office and there sat Candy and Jeannine....they were both in tears. Not a good sign. Candy came up with some bullshit reasons for my not being able to stay with them....one was my singing with the radio bothered Margaret (the fat old bitch I shared the office with). The other reason was I took off my shoes (Under my desk mind you)....what the real reason was is that I was involved in a suspicious situation and they weren't having it. No matter how hard they denied that was the reason, I knew it was.
The fact that they were crying meant nothing to me, although I am sure this wasn't their decision, it was John's...he had the last word in who stayed and who didn't. He and I never really got off to a good start...I always had that feeling that he didn't like me for what ever reasons it was. Botton line was, I was asked to get my belongings together and I was walked out to my car by Candy and Jeaninne who both gave me a big hug and told me if I needed a letter of reccomendation, that they would be happy to provide me with one.
Moral of this story boys and girls. Don't befriend your co-workers. Don't open your door to them late at night when they are on the prowl for drugs. Don't use drugs while on the job so in case they have a random UA put, you can pass it. And the most important thing......Keep your personal life personal. I shared alot of my stuff with Jess who in turn shared it with her husband. He must have thought I was just a real piece of shit judging from how he reacted when he heard his wife was in my company. That expression on Candy's face told all.
OK, well...now I am off to my new job. Job number #52 and hopefully my very last job for the rest of my working, walking, talking, counseling life.
Cross your fingers, tap your bible, light your candles or what ever else you do to send good joo joo to someone. I need it...all of it.
Peace Out
Her advice to me was, "Don't think anyone down there loves you because they don't and they will stab you in the back just as soon as look at ya. Just be careful, don't trust anyone and do good." I couldn't think of better advice myself. I do tend to get too comfortable at a job. I let my guard down, I talk too much about stuff that doesn't belong at the office and I trust people (women) who turn around and stab me in the back.
Here is a good example of just that very thing. When I worked at Rural Metro Ambulance, I befriended a gal named Jess. She had been there for several years and was loved by everyone. When she had marital problems, the company pitched in and got together an very nice Christmas for her and her kids when they were living in a woman's shelter. The big boss was friends with her from school and I figured she was a good person to make friends with. Boy was I wrong.
One day, she and I were talking about drugs and stuff, I had no idea that she was such a stoner. She loved pain pills, opiates, cocaine, you name it. Well, one day I brought her home with me and we got high. I did that stupid thing, I shared heroin with her. she loved it.....oh god Susan.
OK, fast forward several months. I am very close to my 6 month evaluation where they would decide to keep me permanent or not. Sunday night at 10:30, Jess is at my door wanting me to find her some coke. I don't have a clue where to do that, but I instead got her to pray with me. ( I was going through my christian phase at this time). I got on my knees with her and we prayed for God to take away her cravings. I had no idea what situation she had left at home. I would later find out. She left my place, to go home...or so I thought.
That next morning, I went into my office manager Candy to talk to her about Jess. Not to bring up the drug thing but to tell her I was worried about her state of mind. She mentioned 'Suicide' a couple times and I just did what a good friend would do. Candy told me that Jess hadn't come home that night and her husband had just called frantic with worry. I was sitting right there when Candy called Jess's husband Todd. she said, "Hello Todd, listen, Susan is in here and she said she saw Jess at around 10:30 last night and she left at about 11 and was fine.". I watched Candy's face while she listened to Todd's response, and it dropped. Her jaw fell open and the expression on her face could only be described as shocked. She said, "Oh, really....uh-huh..I see, well OK then. I will get back to you later."
She didn't let on to anything and she said to go back to my office that there was nothing else we could do. Five minutes later, I turn around and there stands Candy along with Jeannine(Human Resource Manager) and John (general manager). They tell me that I need to go with them for a drug test. That Todd had told them I was a "heroin dealing, drug using freak that Jess had been getting her drugs from". I was stunned. I had no idea that for the last 3 months Jess had been on a roll and when she got caught one night and was asked where she was getting her stuff from, she blurted out "This chick at work Susan" never thinking Todd or my path would ever cross, or so I imagined. I had no idea that she and he were fighting and his last words to her were, "You either stop going over to Susan's or I am leaving." and she left...TO GO TO SUSAN'S...FOR HER SECOND TIME ONLY. Her husband thought this was an on going thing and he was telling her it was 'her dealer or him'.
Oh my freaking GOD....can i pick'em or what. I was using heroin at that time and there was no way I was going to pass any drug test. Not because I was Jess's drug dealer but for reasons of my own...I was terrified. I got in the car with the two head honchos, John and Jeannine and we headed to the clinic for me to give a UA. All the drive there I kept saying, "I have never sold her anything. I don't do that. I don't know what she has been telling her husband!!" I kept asking, "Is this going to affect my evaluation?" and they kept saying ,"No, as long as everything comes out OK, this will have nothing to do with that." LIARS!!!
I won't go into detail about how to fake a, unobserved UA with no previous warning...those of you who have ever had to do it, know how I did it. It's embarrassing and disgusting to admit. OK, so I was not allowed back on the job until they got the results, which were "Flushed" meaning there was too much water in the specimen and I had to retest...which I was ready to do now because I had gotten someone else's pee for that second test...for the first one...oh forget it. It's gross what people will do to get through a drug test without failing. Most people knock on their friend's doors asking to borrow a cup of sugar or milk...not drug addicts. They ask for borrow a cup of urine....from my friends mother no less.
So, I went in for that second test, I passed and came back to work. But, when my 6th month anniversary came by, I was so excited and certain I had a job. I baked cookies and distributed them to all of the EMT's (Emergency Medical Techs aka ambulance drivers) and everyone else in the office. When it came time for my review...I walked into Candy's office and there sat Candy and Jeannine....they were both in tears. Not a good sign. Candy came up with some bullshit reasons for my not being able to stay with them....one was my singing with the radio bothered Margaret (the fat old bitch I shared the office with). The other reason was I took off my shoes (Under my desk mind you)....what the real reason was is that I was involved in a suspicious situation and they weren't having it. No matter how hard they denied that was the reason, I knew it was.
The fact that they were crying meant nothing to me, although I am sure this wasn't their decision, it was John's...he had the last word in who stayed and who didn't. He and I never really got off to a good start...I always had that feeling that he didn't like me for what ever reasons it was. Botton line was, I was asked to get my belongings together and I was walked out to my car by Candy and Jeaninne who both gave me a big hug and told me if I needed a letter of reccomendation, that they would be happy to provide me with one.
Moral of this story boys and girls. Don't befriend your co-workers. Don't open your door to them late at night when they are on the prowl for drugs. Don't use drugs while on the job so in case they have a random UA put, you can pass it. And the most important thing......Keep your personal life personal. I shared alot of my stuff with Jess who in turn shared it with her husband. He must have thought I was just a real piece of shit judging from how he reacted when he heard his wife was in my company. That expression on Candy's face told all.
OK, well...now I am off to my new job. Job number #52 and hopefully my very last job for the rest of my working, walking, talking, counseling life.
Cross your fingers, tap your bible, light your candles or what ever else you do to send good joo joo to someone. I need it...all of it.
Peace Out
Friday, July 17, 2009
I Survived "OK DAZE"
Well I survived my first day of my new job. I call first days on a job my "OK Daze" because all I say all day is, "OK" and I am usually in a daze. I am always being told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, why to do it, where to do it and who to do it with and the proper response when having been told to do something is 'OK'.
I have my very first own office!!! Not a cubicle...a real office with a door, a lock, a computer, desk, shelves, black plastic organizer complete with pens, paper clips, binder clasps, rubber bands, colorful thumb tacks and highlighters....in every conceivable color. I am going to customize it up really nice too. I was told not to go crazy, meaning don't bring in waterfalls, and incense or rain sticks. I was kind of bummed because that is exactly what I wanted to do. I want to get rid of the overheard flourescent lighting and just use table lamps to get rid of that institutional feel, ya know? It is so bright in there it almost hurts my eyes. Also it is very hot in there. No ventilation, just a fan. The A/C in the building is awesome only there are no vents in the offices...when you shut the doors, they become little saunas...I became over come with heat and I nodded out during one assesment. Not good. I am going to make do with what I have been given to work with and it is going to be a nice office.
Please dont' get me wrong, I am in NO way complaining, oh God no. I am so grateful to be there. I Love the vibe. The people are so...real. I am not in some franchise/chain place that has its bosses sitting in some office half way across the country. No big full page yellow page ads..nope. This is a privately owned and operated facility with a woman owner being the HBIC. She is old school, been not only around the block but around the world and she was drinking whiskey the entire tour. She has a heart as huge as the entire world and you can tell this is her passion. She is a woman of few words but those that she does say are powerful, meaningful and worth listening to.
The man who runs the shop is a trip. Dan....old school junkie/alky. He has a voice that is as smooth and deep as a velvet covered well. He should be doing voice overs or working as DJ..great stuff. When I commented on it, he said, "Nope it's just a whiskey voice." I knew exactly what he meant. Years of smoking and drinking take its toll on a vocal chord. I loved him instantly. When he called Susie into the room, I loved her instantly too. She reminded me of my Aunt Maxine and a bit of my Mom...There is nothing you can tell them that they dont already know.
There is a gentleman there named Dan. He is a soft spoken, very polite man and that is all I know about his as of this point. Debbie is the woman I was training with. She is the friend of my very close friend and I found out there is bad blood between them. My friend loaned her a large sum of money, never to be repaid. My friend is evolved enough to not let an unpaid debt get in the way of the friendship, but the woman not only didn't pay her back, she had her phone number changed and started treating my friend like a debt collector....so unfortunately, the friendship didn't survive the ordeal and my friends life will go on but if this woman I am working with is truly 'working a solid program of sobriety' then she should make every effort to repay the loan. They "work steps" and this is an example of bad stepping....I don't know if they really have a step that addresses this particular issue, but if they did it would probaly go something like this
STEP 13 "Hey fuckhead...if someone is kind enough to loan your dumbass money, the very least your sober ass can do is pay them back". Right?
Well, this is the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Where life will take me is anybodies guess...I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying with all my heart that this is going to be the last job I ever have. I am not young and I don't have any extra energy in me to job hunt. I need to 'job keep'. I have 'job found' and I want to stay put. Stay tuned for more of 'As Susan Turns'.
I have my very first own office!!! Not a cubicle...a real office with a door, a lock, a computer, desk, shelves, black plastic organizer complete with pens, paper clips, binder clasps, rubber bands, colorful thumb tacks and highlighters....in every conceivable color. I am going to customize it up really nice too. I was told not to go crazy, meaning don't bring in waterfalls, and incense or rain sticks. I was kind of bummed because that is exactly what I wanted to do. I want to get rid of the overheard flourescent lighting and just use table lamps to get rid of that institutional feel, ya know? It is so bright in there it almost hurts my eyes. Also it is very hot in there. No ventilation, just a fan. The A/C in the building is awesome only there are no vents in the offices...when you shut the doors, they become little saunas...I became over come with heat and I nodded out during one assesment. Not good. I am going to make do with what I have been given to work with and it is going to be a nice office.
Please dont' get me wrong, I am in NO way complaining, oh God no. I am so grateful to be there. I Love the vibe. The people are so...real. I am not in some franchise/chain place that has its bosses sitting in some office half way across the country. No big full page yellow page ads..nope. This is a privately owned and operated facility with a woman owner being the HBIC. She is old school, been not only around the block but around the world and she was drinking whiskey the entire tour. She has a heart as huge as the entire world and you can tell this is her passion. She is a woman of few words but those that she does say are powerful, meaningful and worth listening to.
The man who runs the shop is a trip. Dan....old school junkie/alky. He has a voice that is as smooth and deep as a velvet covered well. He should be doing voice overs or working as DJ..great stuff. When I commented on it, he said, "Nope it's just a whiskey voice." I knew exactly what he meant. Years of smoking and drinking take its toll on a vocal chord. I loved him instantly. When he called Susie into the room, I loved her instantly too. She reminded me of my Aunt Maxine and a bit of my Mom...There is nothing you can tell them that they dont already know.
There is a gentleman there named Dan. He is a soft spoken, very polite man and that is all I know about his as of this point. Debbie is the woman I was training with. She is the friend of my very close friend and I found out there is bad blood between them. My friend loaned her a large sum of money, never to be repaid. My friend is evolved enough to not let an unpaid debt get in the way of the friendship, but the woman not only didn't pay her back, she had her phone number changed and started treating my friend like a debt collector....so unfortunately, the friendship didn't survive the ordeal and my friends life will go on but if this woman I am working with is truly 'working a solid program of sobriety' then she should make every effort to repay the loan. They "work steps" and this is an example of bad stepping....I don't know if they really have a step that addresses this particular issue, but if they did it would probaly go something like this
STEP 13 "Hey fuckhead...if someone is kind enough to loan your dumbass money, the very least your sober ass can do is pay them back". Right?
Well, this is the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Where life will take me is anybodies guess...I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying with all my heart that this is going to be the last job I ever have. I am not young and I don't have any extra energy in me to job hunt. I need to 'job keep'. I have 'job found' and I want to stay put. Stay tuned for more of 'As Susan Turns'.
I Loved My Dysfunctional Childhood
Black and White TV's of the past...
You could hardly see for all the snow,
spread the rabbit ears as far as they go...
pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then..
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We all wore white, short sleeved, buttoned shirts and (short) blue shorts for gym, washed over the weekend and brought back clean on Monday We all took showers at end of Gym before going to our next class.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention..
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amok.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
You could hardly see for all the snow,
spread the rabbit ears as far as they go...
pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then..
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
We all wore white, short sleeved, buttoned shirts and (short) blue shorts for gym, washed over the weekend and brought back clean on Monday We all took showers at end of Gym before going to our next class.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention..
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amok.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!
How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I GOT A JOB!!!!!!
I GOT A JOB!!!! Great balls o'fire...it finally happened. I have been given the opportunity to go to work in the field I have graduated college to be a part of. It happened!!! I was beginning to think I was NEVER going to get this opportunity and thanks be to the Goddess I was hired by a very reputable behavioral health facility here in the Snohomish County area. I was being 'seriously considered" Sea Mar in Monroe and I was sure they were going to make me an offer...but they kept inviting me back for a second, third and fourth interview...not so much an interview but I was sitting in on groups. I sat in on a teen group, an adult group and a women's group. One more interesting than the other. The girl (And I do mean girl...she was 24) that lead these groups was doing a horrible job of it. She had no control, no order...there was no flow. It was people talking, out of order, interupting each other, using foul language, "romancing the memories" meaning they were having euphoric recall about all the 'fun' they had when they were high. One kid went into great detail about all the different pain pills he was given when he had his DUI wreck and almost killed himself and his girlfriend who was his passenger. Not one word of remorse ...as a matter of fact..he was showing off his new tatoo to the rest of the 'gang'. It was on the back of his neck and it said in big black New Engligh caligraphy "No Remorse". So..that about tells ya how he feels about his 'disease' and the fact that he almost killed his girlfriend.
I am not in there to judge, condemn, criticise or ridicule. I was there to see how they do things is all. I did see how they did things. But in the mean time, I was without a job. This place that did hire me, called me in for one interview and told me right there and then they wanted to give me a shot. Now THATS HOW AN INTERVIEW IS SUPPOSED TO GO. None of this "Well, we're thinking about, thinking about hiring you". While she was thinking about it...another place DID IT!!
I have no idea how many jobs I have had. Last time I thought about them, I was able to remember them all...but as I get older my memory fades more and more and they are getting harder and harder to remember. I should write them down right now....I think I will give it a try.I'll write the job number, the name, the state and the year. Here goes:
1. Jack in the Box- Calif. -76
2. Shibui Gift-Calif-77
3. Hungry Hunter Restaurant-Calif-78
4. The Rock (head shop)-Washington-78
5. Pizza Hut-Calif- 77
6. Dollar Rent a Car-Calif-78
7. Lyons Coffee Shop-Calif-78
8. Sedgewick, Detert, Moran & Arnold Law Firm-San Fran-79
9. Burger King-Wash- 80
10. Waterway Waterbed Store-Wash-80
11. Waterbed Warehouse-Wash-81
12. Bon Marche Piano & Organ Dept 81
13. Goofy's Tavern-Wash-81
14. Finnagans Tavern-Wash-81
15. Skippers Fish & Chips-Wash-82
16. Kovacs-Wash-82
17. Red Balloon-Wash-83
18. My Dad's store-Wash-83
19. Fox Pump & Dewatering-Calif-84
20. Some Temp Co in Calif 85
21. Harbor Marine-Wash-86
22. Pelican Petes Restaurant-Wash-86
23. The Westin Hotel, Kodiak Ak-88
24. Taco Time-Wash-88
25. Some Rent a car place-Calif -88
26. Art of Pasta Restaurant-Calif-88
27. Parkers Rock n Roll Club-Wash-88
28. Skippers-Wash-89
29. Pay n Pak-Wash-90
30. Group Health Credit Union- Seattle-91
31. Northern Energy Propane-Everett-92
32. Northstar Corp (espresso machine importer)-Everett-92
33. Shrieners Iris Garden-Oregon-93
34. K&D Flaggers- Wash.93
35. Kelly's, Olstens, Manpower Temp-Wash-94
36. Johansens Mech.-Wash-94
37. Timberline Cafe-Wash-95
38. Boeing-Wash-96
Culinary School-96-97
39. Angelos Restaurant-Wash-98
40. Olive Garden-Wash-2000
41. Jacks Restaurant-Everett-00
42. (out of order but forgot about it)Pluma Blanco Mexican Rest-Wash-83
43. Buzz Inn Martini Bar-Wash-2001
44. Rome Pizza-Wash-2001
45. The Steak House-Wash-02
46. Nationwide Vinyl Window-Wash-02
47. Aegis Convelescent Hospital-03
48. Rural Metro Ambluance-Wash-03
49. Celebrations Catering-Wash-04
50. Silverlake Winery-Wash-04
51. Alpine Windows
I have already remembered a couple I have left off but you get the idea....I have been hired to do alot of different things. Alpine Windows was the last job I was able to get. Once my felony hit the computers I was considered unworthy of employment. I went on over 100 interviews during the year of 2005 and no one would hire me. I must have had over 200 resumes floating around out there in cyber space...lots of calls, lots of interviews but the minute I was told they would be doing a background check and asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell them...I would tell them and they would show me the door. I used to be so careful and quiet when I first walked in, hoping, praying that they wouldn't ask me 'that' question..but it always was asked and I always answered honestly and I was always shown the door.
I got to the point where I was walking in and before I even sat down, I would say, "look, I have a felony in my background. It isn't drug related, I didn't kill, rape or molest anyone. It was 2 years ago, I have completed my probation and really would like a chance to prove myself to you....now...should I sit down and we commence with this interview or should I show myself to the door?".
I was always told how much they appreciated my honesty but they were really sorry but they just didn't have anything to offer me at that time. So, I would show myself to the door. That was when I made the decision to go to school to become a Chemical Dependency Counselor. Every good counselor I ever had, had a felony (Or 2 or 5) in their past and they were the best damn counselors I had. I figured that would be the ONE and only field where my past would be looked upon as a benefit and not a hinderance...
AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS BEEN. When the owner was looking at my Counselor Registration card where it says 'Probation', she said,"What's this for?" and Dan, the man I just interviewed with said, "Oh, it's just a felony." and she said, "Oh, ok"...AND THAT WAS IT!!!!!OH MY GOD, IT HAS FINALLY HAPPENED. I have been looked at as a person, a real live person and not a felon. I was not defined by what I had done...I was looked at as a real person, not a statistic. I was getting so tired of being judged by something stupid I had done. That wasn't what I was, it was something I did. And they realized it. Thank God, Goddess and all else holy.
I have kept you long enough....this is going to be one great night. I am going to go to sleep with a clear consciounce and not feel the dread I have been feeling as the last thought I had as my head hit the pillow...."OH god I have to get a job before I run completely out of my trust fund." AND NOW I HAVE ONE. MY LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING AND I AM SO EXCITED.
I am not in there to judge, condemn, criticise or ridicule. I was there to see how they do things is all. I did see how they did things. But in the mean time, I was without a job. This place that did hire me, called me in for one interview and told me right there and then they wanted to give me a shot. Now THATS HOW AN INTERVIEW IS SUPPOSED TO GO. None of this "Well, we're thinking about, thinking about hiring you". While she was thinking about it...another place DID IT!!
I have no idea how many jobs I have had. Last time I thought about them, I was able to remember them all...but as I get older my memory fades more and more and they are getting harder and harder to remember. I should write them down right now....I think I will give it a try.I'll write the job number, the name, the state and the year. Here goes:
1. Jack in the Box- Calif. -76
2. Shibui Gift-Calif-77
3. Hungry Hunter Restaurant-Calif-78
4. The Rock (head shop)-Washington-78
5. Pizza Hut-Calif- 77
6. Dollar Rent a Car-Calif-78
7. Lyons Coffee Shop-Calif-78
8. Sedgewick, Detert, Moran & Arnold Law Firm-San Fran-79
9. Burger King-Wash- 80
10. Waterway Waterbed Store-Wash-80
11. Waterbed Warehouse-Wash-81
12. Bon Marche Piano & Organ Dept 81
13. Goofy's Tavern-Wash-81
14. Finnagans Tavern-Wash-81
15. Skippers Fish & Chips-Wash-82
16. Kovacs-Wash-82
17. Red Balloon-Wash-83
18. My Dad's store-Wash-83
19. Fox Pump & Dewatering-Calif-84
20. Some Temp Co in Calif 85
21. Harbor Marine-Wash-86
22. Pelican Petes Restaurant-Wash-86
23. The Westin Hotel, Kodiak Ak-88
24. Taco Time-Wash-88
25. Some Rent a car place-Calif -88
26. Art of Pasta Restaurant-Calif-88
27. Parkers Rock n Roll Club-Wash-88
28. Skippers-Wash-89
29. Pay n Pak-Wash-90
30. Group Health Credit Union- Seattle-91
31. Northern Energy Propane-Everett-92
32. Northstar Corp (espresso machine importer)-Everett-92
33. Shrieners Iris Garden-Oregon-93
34. K&D Flaggers- Wash.93
35. Kelly's, Olstens, Manpower Temp-Wash-94
36. Johansens Mech.-Wash-94
37. Timberline Cafe-Wash-95
38. Boeing-Wash-96
Culinary School-96-97
39. Angelos Restaurant-Wash-98
40. Olive Garden-Wash-2000
41. Jacks Restaurant-Everett-00
42. (out of order but forgot about it)Pluma Blanco Mexican Rest-Wash-83
43. Buzz Inn Martini Bar-Wash-2001
44. Rome Pizza-Wash-2001
45. The Steak House-Wash-02
46. Nationwide Vinyl Window-Wash-02
47. Aegis Convelescent Hospital-03
48. Rural Metro Ambluance-Wash-03
49. Celebrations Catering-Wash-04
50. Silverlake Winery-Wash-04
51. Alpine Windows
I have already remembered a couple I have left off but you get the idea....I have been hired to do alot of different things. Alpine Windows was the last job I was able to get. Once my felony hit the computers I was considered unworthy of employment. I went on over 100 interviews during the year of 2005 and no one would hire me. I must have had over 200 resumes floating around out there in cyber space...lots of calls, lots of interviews but the minute I was told they would be doing a background check and asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell them...I would tell them and they would show me the door. I used to be so careful and quiet when I first walked in, hoping, praying that they wouldn't ask me 'that' question..but it always was asked and I always answered honestly and I was always shown the door.
I got to the point where I was walking in and before I even sat down, I would say, "look, I have a felony in my background. It isn't drug related, I didn't kill, rape or molest anyone. It was 2 years ago, I have completed my probation and really would like a chance to prove myself to you....now...should I sit down and we commence with this interview or should I show myself to the door?".
I was always told how much they appreciated my honesty but they were really sorry but they just didn't have anything to offer me at that time. So, I would show myself to the door. That was when I made the decision to go to school to become a Chemical Dependency Counselor. Every good counselor I ever had, had a felony (Or 2 or 5) in their past and they were the best damn counselors I had. I figured that would be the ONE and only field where my past would be looked upon as a benefit and not a hinderance...
AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS BEEN. When the owner was looking at my Counselor Registration card where it says 'Probation', she said,"What's this for?" and Dan, the man I just interviewed with said, "Oh, it's just a felony." and she said, "Oh, ok"...AND THAT WAS IT!!!!!OH MY GOD, IT HAS FINALLY HAPPENED. I have been looked at as a person, a real live person and not a felon. I was not defined by what I had done...I was looked at as a real person, not a statistic. I was getting so tired of being judged by something stupid I had done. That wasn't what I was, it was something I did. And they realized it. Thank God, Goddess and all else holy.
I have kept you long enough....this is going to be one great night. I am going to go to sleep with a clear consciounce and not feel the dread I have been feeling as the last thought I had as my head hit the pillow...."OH god I have to get a job before I run completely out of my trust fund." AND NOW I HAVE ONE. MY LIFE IS JUST BEGINNING AND I AM SO EXCITED.
How Do You Respect Your Salmon?
Well...PETA is at it again. They are protesting the men who throw the fish at the fish counter that is at the very opening of the Pike Place Market...those guys who yell,"HALI-BUTT!!!!!! GOIN HOME!!!!" then they toss a giant fish with great enthusiasm, over the tops of the heads of the hundreds of tourists, to another guy who proceeds to cut, gut, clean and wrap it to send it home to its new owner. More seasoned shoppers know to duck when they hear,"2 Crab...Commin To Ya!!!" but there are those few unfortunates who have been smacked in the face by a flying crustacean. (that's a free crab dinner if that happens)
PETA claims this is "disrespectful" to the fish that have already gone through a "agonizingly painful death". Now, I have often wondered myself, what it must feel like to a King Crab or a bottom feeding fish to be brought up from several fathoms to the surface in a few seconds. A human being would go through the bends for sure. PETA claims that when a fish is caught, the rapid rise to the surface bursts their air bladder, causing great pain. I too have also wondered if indeed a fish does feel pain. I would think so, which is why I think 'catch and release" is a cruel thing to do. I think that has got to hurt its cheek, having a hook torn out of it or worse yet, having it go down their little throats and then having to be pulled back up and out. Not to mention all that time out of the water, gasping for 'air'.
I think, if you are going to put a fish through the torture of being caught, then just follow through and kill it and eat it for craps sake. I would be curious to know what the survival rate is for the fish that have been yarded up top just to be tossed back into the depths. I wonder what the conversation is when they get back down to their fish families and friends.
Do they go talk to their buddies and say "Man, I was just minding my own business when I saw free food, just floating right in front of my face so I took a bite and BAM...I went to the light...dude it was the RAPTURE!! I SAW THE BOAT!!! I was IN the boat...then these giant monsters just ripped the shit outta my face and threw my ass back into the water. I was stunned a bit but sure as I got my sea legs back, I swam my ass off to get back home. Man, that was a close one. If I ever see a day-glo egg or a worm just floating around, I ain't never gonna take the bait... No way....and I highly suggest you heed my warning! There ain't no free lunch down here..uh-huh...no way!"
That would be the equivalent of our 'near death experiences' wouldn't ya think? People cant wait to give you their near death story...how they 'saw the tunnel of light" and they wanted to "go to the light" but then felt that pull back to their bodies and they weren't ready to go yet. I wonder if those little fishies have that same feeling?
Back to PETA...they are protesting the fish mongers tossin the fish over the people's heads and yelling. They say,"If those were kittens or baby lambs being thrown around, people wouldn't feel the same way at all." what a stupid argument...HELLO...they aren't throwing kittens or baby lambs. That would be gross. We don't eat kittens or lambs...that goes on across the pond in China and shit. These fish are DEAD. They don't feel anything. People find it entertaining to watch. Every now and then, they pull some dude out of the crowd who says he could catch one of these air borne salmon...so they let him try. It's funnier than hell to watch. Not just anyone can catch a 20 lb. slippery assed, flying fish flavored missile comin at'em at like 40 mph. No way...That takes years of training to get that art down to the perfection like those dudes. I love to watch them.
PETA goes after some very good causes from time to time. I donate to like 10 charities but PETA is NOT one of them. Their advertising tactics are gross and just plain unnecessary. I support being kind and humane to all creatures, great and small. I don't agree with animal testing. I don't agree with exotic animals being turned into pets. I certainly do not condone the circus and Rodeos using animals to do things that they NEVER would be doing in the wild, for "entertainment purposes". I despise Rodeos and circuses. I protest the Ringling Bros. Circus all the time when they come to town. Also, as beautiful and entertaining as it is to watch, I don't agree with Marine World or any other amusement park that uses Orcas and Sea Lions, Penguins or any other marine mammal, to perform in these pools that are like one billionth the size of what they were meant to live in..i.e. THE OCEAN.
I definitely have my opinions on animal cruelty and abuse. Throwing a dead salmon or halibut is NOT animal cruelty or 'disrespectful' as far as I am concerned. I think this is the most ridiculous thing they have even taken on and I certainly don't think people are going to take them seriously. What, did things slow down in the real world of animal cruelty and abuse? I don't think so. There are Panda Bears losing their habitat in China. There are Polar Bears losing their habitat in Antarctica. There is a hideous waste of salmon right here in Snohomish County because of the Natives overfishing...oh don't get me started on that one.
OK, that's my rant for the day. I think the fish mongers should be able to throw as many fish as far as they want to. I know the fish don't mind. They are dead...dead and delicious. Yeah, I know...they are an animal and I Love animals so how can I eat them. Well, I'll tell you how....with lemon butter onions and a tad of garlic and loaf of sour dough bread and a cold glass of Pinot Grechio.. That's how and I highly recommend it for you to give it a try. MMMMmmmmmm Good!!
PETA claims this is "disrespectful" to the fish that have already gone through a "agonizingly painful death". Now, I have often wondered myself, what it must feel like to a King Crab or a bottom feeding fish to be brought up from several fathoms to the surface in a few seconds. A human being would go through the bends for sure. PETA claims that when a fish is caught, the rapid rise to the surface bursts their air bladder, causing great pain. I too have also wondered if indeed a fish does feel pain. I would think so, which is why I think 'catch and release" is a cruel thing to do. I think that has got to hurt its cheek, having a hook torn out of it or worse yet, having it go down their little throats and then having to be pulled back up and out. Not to mention all that time out of the water, gasping for 'air'.
I think, if you are going to put a fish through the torture of being caught, then just follow through and kill it and eat it for craps sake. I would be curious to know what the survival rate is for the fish that have been yarded up top just to be tossed back into the depths. I wonder what the conversation is when they get back down to their fish families and friends.
Do they go talk to their buddies and say "Man, I was just minding my own business when I saw free food, just floating right in front of my face so I took a bite and BAM...I went to the light...dude it was the RAPTURE!! I SAW THE BOAT!!! I was IN the boat...then these giant monsters just ripped the shit outta my face and threw my ass back into the water. I was stunned a bit but sure as I got my sea legs back, I swam my ass off to get back home. Man, that was a close one. If I ever see a day-glo egg or a worm just floating around, I ain't never gonna take the bait... No way....and I highly suggest you heed my warning! There ain't no free lunch down here..uh-huh...no way!"
That would be the equivalent of our 'near death experiences' wouldn't ya think? People cant wait to give you their near death story...how they 'saw the tunnel of light" and they wanted to "go to the light" but then felt that pull back to their bodies and they weren't ready to go yet. I wonder if those little fishies have that same feeling?
Back to PETA...they are protesting the fish mongers tossin the fish over the people's heads and yelling. They say,"If those were kittens or baby lambs being thrown around, people wouldn't feel the same way at all." what a stupid argument...HELLO...they aren't throwing kittens or baby lambs. That would be gross. We don't eat kittens or lambs...that goes on across the pond in China and shit. These fish are DEAD. They don't feel anything. People find it entertaining to watch. Every now and then, they pull some dude out of the crowd who says he could catch one of these air borne salmon...so they let him try. It's funnier than hell to watch. Not just anyone can catch a 20 lb. slippery assed, flying fish flavored missile comin at'em at like 40 mph. No way...That takes years of training to get that art down to the perfection like those dudes. I love to watch them.
PETA goes after some very good causes from time to time. I donate to like 10 charities but PETA is NOT one of them. Their advertising tactics are gross and just plain unnecessary. I support being kind and humane to all creatures, great and small. I don't agree with animal testing. I don't agree with exotic animals being turned into pets. I certainly do not condone the circus and Rodeos using animals to do things that they NEVER would be doing in the wild, for "entertainment purposes". I despise Rodeos and circuses. I protest the Ringling Bros. Circus all the time when they come to town. Also, as beautiful and entertaining as it is to watch, I don't agree with Marine World or any other amusement park that uses Orcas and Sea Lions, Penguins or any other marine mammal, to perform in these pools that are like one billionth the size of what they were meant to live in..i.e. THE OCEAN.
I definitely have my opinions on animal cruelty and abuse. Throwing a dead salmon or halibut is NOT animal cruelty or 'disrespectful' as far as I am concerned. I think this is the most ridiculous thing they have even taken on and I certainly don't think people are going to take them seriously. What, did things slow down in the real world of animal cruelty and abuse? I don't think so. There are Panda Bears losing their habitat in China. There are Polar Bears losing their habitat in Antarctica. There is a hideous waste of salmon right here in Snohomish County because of the Natives overfishing...oh don't get me started on that one.
OK, that's my rant for the day. I think the fish mongers should be able to throw as many fish as far as they want to. I know the fish don't mind. They are dead...dead and delicious. Yeah, I know...they are an animal and I Love animals so how can I eat them. Well, I'll tell you how....with lemon butter onions and a tad of garlic and loaf of sour dough bread and a cold glass of Pinot Grechio.. That's how and I highly recommend it for you to give it a try. MMMMmmmmmm Good!!
Monday, July 13, 2009
God's Hotel
We were talking about jail experiences this morning, how life changing they were and are. It reminded me of a poem I had been given while I was in jail back in 2002. It was so poignant and fit how I felt at the time. I was trying on becoming a 'Christian'...it fit me OK at the time, but I sort of 'outgrew' it and it started feeling a bit tight and restrictive...so I exchanged it for a better fitting belief...I believe in God and Goddess, earth, moon, stars, trees, water, wind and nature. I believe we are from the earth and will return to it and as for our souls...well, I think we get as many chances as it takes to reach perfection...a Jonathan Livingston kinda deal...kind of Buddhism, more Wicca/Pagan. Or better put the smorgasbord version of spirituality. A little of this and a spoon of that...
I was reading the bible while in jail and my friend was coming in to visit me and he would read the bible to me and pray with me. It made more sense when someone else read it to me and then could explain what they had just read. Truth be told, I did read the bible. It took a year, I had a journal that helped me. I would read a passage and then the journal asked me to write down how what I just read fit into my life and what did it mean to me. More times than not I would write 'I don't have any idea what I just read meant or how it applies to my life."
The jail Chaplain-ette (What do they call a girl Chaplain?) was named Julianna and she was amazing. She was very Christian and it was because of her that I was able to keep my sanity while in that vile place. I connected with her instantly. She gave me this poem that was written by one of the woman who had passed through the doors into the jail. She said it was one of her favorites and she thought I would enjoy it. I did and now I am sharing it with you.
God’s Hotel
I checked you in again last night my child~
Cuz it hurt so bad to see you out there, runnin’ wild.
All tired and “sucked up” you appeared to me,
Put a mirror in front of you,
You still couldn't’t see.
You’re a number among the walking dead~
Hurting yourself, confusion in your head.
Jail is not the place you want to be~
But it’s my “Hotel” where I can work on thee.
You see, you weren’t just arrested,
You were rescued from yourself.
I had to bring you back in here
And put your drug use on the shelf.
Give you some rest, some food, some encouraging talk,
To let you know I love you,
Before I let you walk.
Don't be like a mule that’s led around
By a shiny bit,
Just listen to my warning,
Let me help you quit.
All My Love,
God
Pretty cool, eh? I loved it then and I love it now. I believe with all my heart that jail saves more lives than any treatment center or rehabilitation facility on earth. That is where you have had everything in your life that got between you and God, removed. That is where you can turn down the volume in your head and be able to hear the answers to your prayers. Jail is where God has your complete and undivided attention so that he can penetrate your heart, body and soul. I believe that you don't have to wear a title of one religion or another in order to connect with God. I think God is ready, willing and able to listen to us and love us with no need of a mediator or liaison...I could be wrong but I won't know the answer to that until I actually meet with him...if there is anyone to meet at all. It would suck to be wrong about things like that, wouldn't it? Oh well...that's a gamble I am going to have to take. Have a gorgeous day.
I was reading the bible while in jail and my friend was coming in to visit me and he would read the bible to me and pray with me. It made more sense when someone else read it to me and then could explain what they had just read. Truth be told, I did read the bible. It took a year, I had a journal that helped me. I would read a passage and then the journal asked me to write down how what I just read fit into my life and what did it mean to me. More times than not I would write 'I don't have any idea what I just read meant or how it applies to my life."
The jail Chaplain-ette (What do they call a girl Chaplain?) was named Julianna and she was amazing. She was very Christian and it was because of her that I was able to keep my sanity while in that vile place. I connected with her instantly. She gave me this poem that was written by one of the woman who had passed through the doors into the jail. She said it was one of her favorites and she thought I would enjoy it. I did and now I am sharing it with you.
God’s Hotel
I checked you in again last night my child~
Cuz it hurt so bad to see you out there, runnin’ wild.
All tired and “sucked up” you appeared to me,
Put a mirror in front of you,
You still couldn't’t see.
You’re a number among the walking dead~
Hurting yourself, confusion in your head.
Jail is not the place you want to be~
But it’s my “Hotel” where I can work on thee.
You see, you weren’t just arrested,
You were rescued from yourself.
I had to bring you back in here
And put your drug use on the shelf.
Give you some rest, some food, some encouraging talk,
To let you know I love you,
Before I let you walk.
Don't be like a mule that’s led around
By a shiny bit,
Just listen to my warning,
Let me help you quit.
All My Love,
God
Pretty cool, eh? I loved it then and I love it now. I believe with all my heart that jail saves more lives than any treatment center or rehabilitation facility on earth. That is where you have had everything in your life that got between you and God, removed. That is where you can turn down the volume in your head and be able to hear the answers to your prayers. Jail is where God has your complete and undivided attention so that he can penetrate your heart, body and soul. I believe that you don't have to wear a title of one religion or another in order to connect with God. I think God is ready, willing and able to listen to us and love us with no need of a mediator or liaison...I could be wrong but I won't know the answer to that until I actually meet with him...if there is anyone to meet at all. It would suck to be wrong about things like that, wouldn't it? Oh well...that's a gamble I am going to have to take. Have a gorgeous day.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Annonymous Comments
Well, I am learning a new lesson about blogging and letting people make comments...people can say some really vicious things when signed in under "anonymous". It must give them a false sense of security and courage. I got my first horribly negative comment today and I promptly deleted it for a couple reasons...first of all it was very vulgar, full of lies and was insulting. And secondly, I figure if someone doesn't have the courage to leave their name when making such a vicious comments, then they don't deserve to have their comment posted. Unfortunately, I have a very strong feeling I know who wrote it.
I haven't heard from or seen this person in a long long time....but when I read those nasty words, I was almost certain that it was them. They brought up stuff I have not put in my blog, private things...details I ha vent' disclosed.
They attacked my being on methadone saying, "Who in their right mind would want a drug counselor who was a drug addict still using drugs?". They accused me of having "bad research skills" because I didn't use Google to look up what "Tweeting" was..(I was joking, of course I know what it is...it is something a bird does right? )....Well, they need to do some research of their own...being on methadone has nothing to do with being a good counselor. First off, most drug counselors are drug addicts themselves in recovery...and secondly, hundreds of drug counselors are on methadone...We even have a support group for us. We are covered by the American Disabilities Act (ADA) and our taking methadone is looked upon as being no different than a diabetic person taking their insulin....I am not "high" or considered to be 'Under the influence". Even if I were pulled over by the police while driving.
Yep...Big News Flash!!! (that everyone who knows me already knows) I am a drug addict, I always will be one. But I am in recovery.... unlike this "Anonymous" person. Your denial about your drug addiction is really, well, typical. No drug addict that is not in recovery wants to admit they have problem. It's much easier to focus on the flaws, faults and failures of other people than to deal with themselves. I know...we all do. It's tough to admit when we have been defeated and destroyed by our 'best friends" aka DRUGS!
Moving on...My blog is sent to the people I know who love me and consider me a friend. Where it goes from there is up to God and the people sending it on to their friends. I KNOW this comment was not from anyone I Love or who loves me, but from a person who has negative energy and lots of time to waste ...not having a job and all...just being able to lounge around picking other people apart.
I intend on spending the remaining years of my life doing as much positive as I can. I accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative not only in here but in all areas of my life. There is no need for it and it serves no purpose. I won't delete opposing ideas or sound arguments on my posts but if someone just wants to assassinate my character and be malicious..well that is not going to be accepted so put that in your little crack pipe, Anonymous and smoke it!
To the rest of my friends...sorry about this. I hope to not have to waste my precious time blogging about something so ridiculous again. I have too many good things I want to write about...yeah some are not so pleasant but that's my life...not all parts of it are. Ya gotta take the good with the bad if you want to hang with me. I promise, I will make it worth your while....I give you my word...and oh Anonymous...buckle up sweetie. It's gonna take a lot more than your petty accusations and comments to upset me. Trust that. I have stared Satan straight in the eye and beat him...so the likes of your skinny lil mortal ass doesn't bother me one bit.
I haven't heard from or seen this person in a long long time....but when I read those nasty words, I was almost certain that it was them. They brought up stuff I have not put in my blog, private things...details I ha vent' disclosed.
They attacked my being on methadone saying, "Who in their right mind would want a drug counselor who was a drug addict still using drugs?". They accused me of having "bad research skills" because I didn't use Google to look up what "Tweeting" was..(I was joking, of course I know what it is...it is something a bird does right? )....Well, they need to do some research of their own...being on methadone has nothing to do with being a good counselor. First off, most drug counselors are drug addicts themselves in recovery...and secondly, hundreds of drug counselors are on methadone...We even have a support group for us. We are covered by the American Disabilities Act (ADA) and our taking methadone is looked upon as being no different than a diabetic person taking their insulin....I am not "high" or considered to be 'Under the influence". Even if I were pulled over by the police while driving.
Yep...Big News Flash!!! (that everyone who knows me already knows) I am a drug addict, I always will be one. But I am in recovery.... unlike this "Anonymous" person. Your denial about your drug addiction is really, well, typical. No drug addict that is not in recovery wants to admit they have problem. It's much easier to focus on the flaws, faults and failures of other people than to deal with themselves. I know...we all do. It's tough to admit when we have been defeated and destroyed by our 'best friends" aka DRUGS!
Moving on...My blog is sent to the people I know who love me and consider me a friend. Where it goes from there is up to God and the people sending it on to their friends. I KNOW this comment was not from anyone I Love or who loves me, but from a person who has negative energy and lots of time to waste ...not having a job and all...just being able to lounge around picking other people apart.
I intend on spending the remaining years of my life doing as much positive as I can. I accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative not only in here but in all areas of my life. There is no need for it and it serves no purpose. I won't delete opposing ideas or sound arguments on my posts but if someone just wants to assassinate my character and be malicious..well that is not going to be accepted so put that in your little crack pipe, Anonymous and smoke it!
To the rest of my friends...sorry about this. I hope to not have to waste my precious time blogging about something so ridiculous again. I have too many good things I want to write about...yeah some are not so pleasant but that's my life...not all parts of it are. Ya gotta take the good with the bad if you want to hang with me. I promise, I will make it worth your while....I give you my word...and oh Anonymous...buckle up sweetie. It's gonna take a lot more than your petty accusations and comments to upset me. Trust that. I have stared Satan straight in the eye and beat him...so the likes of your skinny lil mortal ass doesn't bother me one bit.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Corn!!!
I went to my favorite open air fruit/veggie stand yesterday to pick up a few items and was shocked to my core when I saw the price on the yellow corn. It was .89 cents EACH!!!! Yes, you heard me correctly. 89 cents a piece, this vegetable that we normally get 10 for a buck...was now almost a buck a piece. I was just stunned.
My good long time buddy Bill (more on Bill in another blog sometime to come) manages the veggie stand and I asked him how come our corn was so expensive. He told me because so much corn is being used for Ethanol to run our cars and the other use for corn is to make corn syrup...the number one food ingredient in most every processed food product. That made perfect sense to me, the reason Americans are getting so freaking fat...Corn Syrup, Fructose, Glucose, Sucrose...it all spells out one thing...SUGAR!!!
Driving home I was reminiscing about a trip I had taken a long time ago, across this beautiful country, with my then best friend Sandy (aka Sam II....that's another story...stay tuned)we were driving from Washington clear across the continent to Maryland. It was a long, amazingly fun trip. We kept a verbal journal by talking into my hand held tape recorder.
One entire cassette, both sides, was on the topic "CORN". While driving those 3000+ miles, we saw alot of things but the number one thing we saw was field after field of corn. Millions and billions of ears of corn. We saw corn TPs, corn buildings, there was a house that was decorated entirely with corn husks and kernels. There were children of the corn....NO...seriously...they sat at a little booth and the sign said 'Children of the Corn". We laughed so hard I almost drove the truck off of the road.
We started to free flow and talk about corn. We were laughing ourselves sick. I came up with the "Corn Creed". It claimed that there was so much corn in this country that every man, woman and child should be given certificate at birth stating that they would never have to pay one single dime for corn. We should be given all the corn our little hearts desired from the time we were born, until the time we closed our eyes for the lst time. Hell, if we wanted a corn coffin, it should be given without any resistance.
Field after field, acre after acre, mile after mile of solid, golden, silk crowned corn. It seemed ridiculous that we, as Americans, should get all the corn we wanted. I know that our Native Americans were the ones who gave us the secret to growing, harvesting and using this miracle product. It is just astounding how many uses there are for this wonder fruit..yes I said "Fruit" because it is. Botanically speaking, corn is a caryopsis, or dry fruit - popularly known as a grain. I think most people think of corn as a vegetable but I just set y'all straight. Look it up if ya don't believe me.
One thing I do know and that is that I love corn. On the cob, popped, buttered, canned, creamed (yep, in a casserole I make it is really delicious) kettled, tortilla-ed,or dogged. MMMmmmm good. Slathered in butter and eaten right off the cob is my personal favorite method. Corn is the most delicious summer food I can think of. It is right up there with Watermelon. I have many great memories when I think of corn. One is how my mother ate it. God bless her...she used a fork. Yep, she would slide the tongs under two or three rows and then twist her fork so as to dislodge the kernels from where they are attached, leaving her a fork full of corn kernels. Yumm...one time, for a punishment; she made me eat my entire ear of corn this way. She made it look very because when I tried it, it was very hard to do and it took me the entire dinner time to comlete one ear.
My very best memory is going to Teddy Bear Cove in Bellingham, Washington. It is the infamous nude beach and on Sunday's the locals would have these amazing pot luck dinners. Everyone brought their contribution and there were a couple of crab pots left down there that we baited and set out, to be reeled back to the surface jammed packed with fresh, beautiful Dungeness crab. Someone always brought a big huge pound or two of butter and it was melted in a coffee can over the open fire. We all took turns filling up our little plastic cups with it so we could dunk our clumps of crab meat into and then shove into our waiting mouths with our fingers...the melted butter dripping down our naked bodies. Oh man, that a feeling to have melted butter run down your naked chest...it is so sensual and indescribable.
There are no words to describe what devouring good food while being naked feels like. It is a little slice of heaven for sure. No napkins, no forks, no table manners used and no one judging you or telling you to take your elbows off the table or put your napkin in your lap. It is as natural and beautiful as it gets. This is how our ancestors consumed their meals....right out in the open.
The Natives that lived on the coast of Washington must have been the luckiest of all. I can only imagine what it must have been like to live in such an amazingly beautiful place. To be able to dive into this beautiful(and very cold) body of water and pull out your next meal..how absolutely awesome it must have been.
Ooops, I did it again, I completely derailed my train of thought again. Back to the subject....There is more corn in this country than you can wrap your head around, trust that. They say for every pound of beef, it takes 10 acres of land to provide the food for one cow...wow....that's astounding and scary. It is almost enough to make me want to stop eating beef all together. That would be so hard, I love my Porterhouses but I think I could learn to live without....but that's a whole other blog topic all together. Have a wonderful weekend. Go get yourself some corn and have a great big barbecue...Mmmmm, finger lickin good!!
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