#52

Well, it is 7:25 a.m. It is a beautiful sunny July day. I am up, dressed, lunch packed, car loaded with all my goodies for my new office and ready to go start job #52 (I know there were a few I forgot so that isn't the real number but it's close enough. I am nervous, apprehensive, tense and excited. I don't know how I am going to do. I am nervous that if I decorate my new office that I will curse myself. If I don't decorate it, I will be stuck sitting in a very drab, ugly office. I was told not to go overboard when decorating it, but to 'make it your own space'. So, I have two plants, some...well...all of my therapeutic books from school and from my own personal collection. I do have an impressive library if I do say so myself. Dawn gave me a beautiful card congratulating me on this new adventure. Bless her heart. I love her. Flaws, faults, imperfections and all. She is my friend and I do love her. I know I knock her around in here but that's just how we roll. I am by no means perfect either. I know she loves me with all her heart so that's all that counts, right? I love having someone who knows me as well as she does. She may not be a great house keeper but her knowledge of me, is second to NONE.

Her advice to me was, "Don't think anyone down there loves you because they don't and they will stab you in the back just as soon as look at ya. Just be careful, don't trust anyone and do good." I couldn't think of better advice myself. I do tend to get too comfortable at a job. I let my guard down, I talk too much about stuff that doesn't belong at the office and I trust people (women) who turn around and stab me in the back.

Here is a good example of just that very thing. When I worked at Rural Metro Ambulance, I befriended a gal named Jess. She had been there for several years and was loved by everyone. When she had marital problems, the company pitched in and got together an very nice Christmas for her and her kids when they were living in a woman's shelter. The big boss was friends with her from school and I figured she was a good person to make friends with. Boy was I wrong.

One day, she and I were talking about drugs and stuff, I had no idea that she was such a stoner. She loved pain pills, opiates, cocaine, you name it. Well, one day I brought her home with me and we got high. I did that stupid thing, I shared heroin with her. she loved it.....oh god Susan.

OK, fast forward several months. I am very close to my 6 month evaluation where they would decide to keep me permanent or not. Sunday night at 10:30, Jess is at my door wanting me to find her some coke. I don't have a clue where to do that, but I instead got her to pray with me. ( I was going through my christian phase at this time). I got on my knees with her and we prayed for God to take away her cravings. I had no idea what situation she had left at home. I would later find out. She left my place, to go home...or so I thought.

That next morning, I went into my office manager Candy to talk to her about Jess. Not to bring up the drug thing but to tell her I was worried about her state of mind. She mentioned 'Suicide' a couple times and I just did what a good friend would do. Candy told me that Jess hadn't come home that night and her husband had just called frantic with worry. I was sitting right there when Candy called Jess's husband Todd. she said, "Hello Todd, listen, Susan is in here and she said she saw Jess at around 10:30 last night and she left at about 11 and was fine.". I watched Candy's face while she listened to Todd's response, and it dropped. Her jaw fell open and the expression on her face could only be described as shocked. She said, "Oh, really....uh-huh..I see, well OK then. I will get back to you later."

She didn't let on to anything and she said to go back to my office that there was nothing else we could do. Five minutes later, I turn around and there stands Candy along with Jeannine(Human Resource Manager) and John (general manager). They tell me that I need to go with them for a drug test. That Todd had told them I was a "heroin dealing, drug using freak that Jess had been getting her drugs from". I was stunned. I had no idea that for the last 3 months Jess had been on a roll and when she got caught one night and was asked where she was getting her stuff from, she blurted out "This chick at work Susan" never thinking Todd or my path would ever cross, or so I imagined. I had no idea that she and he were fighting and his last words to her were, "You either stop going over to Susan's or I am leaving." and she left...TO GO TO SUSAN'S...FOR HER SECOND TIME ONLY. Her husband thought this was an on going thing and he was telling her it was 'her dealer or him'.

Oh my freaking GOD....can i pick'em or what. I was using heroin at that time and there was no way I was going to pass any drug test. Not because I was Jess's drug dealer but for reasons of my own...I was terrified. I got in the car with the two head honchos, John and Jeannine and we headed to the clinic for me to give a UA. All the drive there I kept saying, "I have never sold her anything. I don't do that. I don't know what she has been telling her husband!!" I kept asking, "Is this going to affect my evaluation?" and they kept saying ,"No, as long as everything comes out OK, this will have nothing to do with that." LIARS!!!

I won't go into detail about how to fake a, unobserved UA with no previous warning...those of you who have ever had to do it, know how I did it. It's embarrassing and disgusting to admit. OK, so I was not allowed back on the job until they got the results, which were "Flushed" meaning there was too much water in the specimen and I had to retest...which I was ready to do now because I had gotten someone else's pee for that second test...for the first one...oh forget it. It's gross what people will do to get through a drug test without failing. Most people knock on their friend's doors asking to borrow a cup of sugar or milk...not drug addicts. They ask for borrow a cup of urine....from my friends mother no less.

So, I went in for that second test, I passed and came back to work. But, when my 6th month anniversary came by, I was so excited and certain I had a job. I baked cookies and distributed them to all of the EMT's (Emergency Medical Techs aka ambulance drivers) and everyone else in the office. When it came time for my review...I walked into Candy's office and there sat Candy and Jeannine....they were both in tears. Not a good sign. Candy came up with some bullshit reasons for my not being able to stay with them....one was my singing with the radio bothered Margaret (the fat old bitch I shared the office with). The other reason was I took off my shoes (Under my desk mind you)....what the real reason was is that I was involved in a suspicious situation and they weren't having it. No matter how hard they denied that was the reason, I knew it was.

The fact that they were crying meant nothing to me, although I am sure this wasn't their decision, it was John's...he had the last word in who stayed and who didn't. He and I never really got off to a good start...I always had that feeling that he didn't like me for what ever reasons it was. Botton line was, I was asked to get my belongings together and I was walked out to my car by Candy and Jeaninne who both gave me a big hug and told me if I needed a letter of reccomendation, that they would be happy to provide me with one.

Moral of this story boys and girls. Don't befriend your co-workers. Don't open your door to them late at night when they are on the prowl for drugs. Don't use drugs while on the job so in case they have a random UA put, you can pass it. And the most important thing......Keep your personal life personal. I shared alot of my stuff with Jess who in turn shared it with her husband. He must have thought I was just a real piece of shit judging from how he reacted when he heard his wife was in my company. That expression on Candy's face told all.

OK, well...now I am off to my new job. Job number #52 and hopefully my very last job for the rest of my working, walking, talking, counseling life.
Cross your fingers, tap your bible, light your candles or what ever else you do to send good joo joo to someone. I need it...all of it.

Peace Out