Letter to Redmond O'Neal

wrote Redmond O'Neal a letter. He is the son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal. I felt my heart literally break for him when he was shown laying down on his mother's bed and whispering to her "Mommy". He was in jail, and they were kind enough to let him out to spend some time, his last time, with his mother.
He is battling heroin and anyone that knows me, knows my battle with that satanic drug. I feel his pain. I watched both of my parents die. I have been in jail as a result of my drug induced and enhanced behavior....I just wanted to hug him.
Well, I can't hug him with my arms so I am going to try to do so with my words. I just want him to know that there is someone out here who is pulling for him. I begged him to get onto methadone. It saved my life and could do the same for him.
He lost a mother and now it is up to him to be her legacy....I know, huge shoes to fill but with fame comes great responsiblity. He didnt sign up for that job...but he has it. The O'Neals are a strong, willful bunch of Irish addicts and they have all faced their demons and now it is his turn. I think he can do it.
here is my letter:
Dear Redmond,

Hello brother.....you don't know me but I sure have been thinking about you lately. My name is Susan Martin and I live in Seattle Washington. Before I go any further I want you to know that I am a recovering heroin addict who lost her mother to cancer and I have been right where you are and I wanted first of all to tell you how heartbroken I am about your mother. Redmond, I am not a star struck person. I bought two posters in my whole life, one of your Moms in 1977 and one of Michael Jackson in 1981. My two favorite celebrities passed away on the same day and I just still can't wrap my head around it.
But, compared to the loss you must be feeling at this time, mine is microscopic. Redmond......Please don't give up. Don't get mad, don't blame yourself for anything. You brought Farrah and your Dad a lot of joy and I know a bit more about your family history than the average bear. I love all of you......Tatum, Patrick, your Dad and now I am stretching open my heart some more to include you. We are a kindred spirit. Heroin does something to people that no other drug does and believe me sweetie; I know that from a long time of horrible experiences. I have been clean for almost 7 years and if it weren’t for methadone, I would be dead. I only was put in jail one time for credit card theft and forgery. I had a felony on my record from 1980 when I committed armed robbery......Yep......first women ever convicted of robbery in Pleasanton, Calif. They dropped the armed clause for lack of proof I had a weapon, but I did have one. My room mates .357 Magnum. I was heavily addicted to cocaine (IV) and one night on a whim, I was picking up a boyfriend’s dinner and decided to rob the Jack in the Box from the drive through. I used to work there, so I knew they kept their 20s under the drawer......I didn’t bother to put on a mask or anything. I was rushing. I put a piece of notebook paper over my license plate, which blew off the minute I pulled forward. I paid for his food then told the girl I had a gun and for her to give me all the twenties under the drawer. I delivered the food to my boyfriend, went and paid my dealer and got more. I did that gram and then went and did the same exact thing at a Burger King. Only I got more brave this time, I told her to go to each of the other registers to bring me that money as well. I said I had a friend in there watching her. It worked. I never had to brandish the weapon so basically I held them up with my mouth.
It took them only 3 days to find me, arrest me and put me in jail. I was at Santa Rita in San Ramon, Calif (yep the same prison Patty Heart was held at in 1974). My parents paid big bucks for the top legal help they could find. I only did 3 days in jail. I went to court for the next 8 months and on the day of my sentencing my judge, Andrew Gold, said to me, “Do you know how long you’d last in prison young lady?” I said that I didn’t. He told me ‘you wouldn’t last 2 seconds; they would tear your ass up”. He gave me 3 years probation.......for robbery!!! Oh my God. My lawyer was friends with my judge and up until the day before, I was going to be getting one year work release but they decided to give me a slap on the wrist and a chance.
I didn’t learn one thing. I moved to Washington where I only had to write a letter once a month to my PO and I continued using drugs for the next 20 years. I went to 14 treatment centers sweetie.......none of them was because I wanted to go. I wanted to get everyone off of my back, so I went. Some I graduated from, but most I got kicked out of. We’re talking top of the line places too. My mother had an endless supply of money to pay for these places and I hated her for it.
She died from pancreatic cancer in 1996 and left me a shit load of money. It came with a lot of strings attached to it. She figured she couldn’t get me to stop using drugs while she was alive, maybe she could do it from the grave. I had to be clean and the money was to be given to me in thirds. One third on my 40th birthday, my 45th and the remainder on my 50th. I am 50 years old and I did live to see that final check. I worked my ass off for it though. On my 42nd birthday I was arrested for stealing a credit card. I had gone to a wedding and saw that in the room where the bride’s maids got ready were a lot of purses. I just picked one up, got out the wallet and struck the jackpot. There were 3 credit cards, Visa, Mastercard and Amex. I went shopping. I bought $850 of clothes, $350 worth of cosmetics and toiletries, some art supplies and $250 of groceries. I got greedy though......it was after I bought those groceries that I got stupid. I forgot to get a carton of cigarettes so I walked over to the cigarette station (you know how a Safeway is set up) and asked for a carton of Marlboros. She rang them up, I slid the credit card I had been using......it was declined. I was not surprised but I also had the girl’s checkbook in the wallet, so I wrote a check. Let me backtrack. After I purchased all those clothes, they asked to see my ID. I shit. I had no choice but to show them the license in that wallet. It belonged to a 24 year old woman who was thin and blonde. I was 42, brunette and over weight.......but those girls were so happy about the commission they were going to get, they let it pass. I was shocked. Two other places asked to see it and I showed it, and it passed......proving that people really don't look at ID’s when they ask to see them; they just go through the motions because they have to.
Ok, back to the cigarettes. I handed her the check, she handed me the smokes, I rolled my cart out to my car and while unloading my stuff, the checker came running out to me to tell me that the check didn’t pass, that since “I hadn’t shopped there in a while” she needed my ID........I stupidly handed it to her. That’s what being high does. Makes us bullet proof and ten feet tall.......well, she had time to really look at that license and knew it wasn't me, so while she was inside she called the police. I had no idea. She brought the license back saying it wouldn’t go through so I handed back the cigarettes to her and she handed me the check. I sat it on my passenger seat and pulled out of here.
I didn’t get 2 blocks before I was pulled over. Now, let’s recap. I have a car full of packages, the returned check sitting on my seat, I had purchased some heroin and it was in my pink velvet eye glasses box I used to carry my works. I had used some, but left half in the rig, along with the spoon and the remainder of my dope......all just sitting there in front of God and everyone. The cop said he was pulling me over because of my broken rear view mirror ......AND I BELIVED HIM. I should have been shooting, swallowing, tossing everything on my seat but I just sat there like queen shit. I said, “It’s my birthday and I have been shopping, please don't give me a ticket, I will get it fixed.” He said, “Oh I am going to give you a ticket and Officer Miller has a few questions to ask you.” Officer Miller stepped up, and started asking me if I had been shopping at Safeway, using a stolen credit card and checks.......REMEMBER THAT CHECK WAS STILL SITTING ON THE SEAT NEXT TO ME RIGHT IN FULL VIEW OF THIS COP. I denied it fiercely and said I had no idea what he was talking about. They pulled me out of my car, cuffed me, put me in the back of their car and proceeded to go through my car. I saw him open up my pink works box and just died. They made me stand outside so they could drive the checker who called them by to ID me......and she did.
Redmond the next month changed my life in so many ways; I can't begin to tell you. I owned a home but it was in my parents name so they had all the control of it. They packed it up and put it on the market. I lost my job, I lost my home, and all I had left was my car. I was sentenced to serve 60 days but only had to do half. I had to do 240 hours of community service, pay back restitution in the amount of $1400. I was put on probation for one year. Once my crime hit the records, no one would hire me. I had been able to obtain a few jobs before the information really hit the computers when my background check was done.
I lived in my car; I lived in the women’s mission for 2 weeks until I ran into an old friend of mine who owned his own condo. He let me stay there until I was back on my feet, which took 6 months. I had started going to church. I ‘was saved’ while in jail but that didn’t last long. I am too intelligent to believe the closed minded Christian rhetoric. I do believe Jesus Christ lived, I do believe him to be an amazing prophet but I don't believe he is the only way to salvation. If that is your belief, please understand I mean no disrespect. I honor everyone’s beliefs. That’s what makes us as beautiful as human beings, our diversity.
Redmond, I didn’t mean to get so long winded about me. I wanted to show you how things fell into place for me. I finally was able to move into my own apartment but all that time I was clean, I had never once stopped longing for heroin. I had cravings like crazy. I was obsessed with it and it took everything in me to NOT do a hit. I thought, ‘I have been good, I deserve a treat. I can handle it.” and so on. When my house sold I received a large check and the first thing I did was buy an eight ball of tar.......I had relapsed and was so pissed and scared that I was still fighting that urge. I had begged God to take it away, like my Christian friends told me to do......it didn’t work. I had heard so many negative things about Methadone but when I finally gave in and went to go find out about it......it was the best thing I had ever done. I wished I had done it years ago, but everything happens right on schedule.
I got onto the program on July 22, 2003 and I have not used a drop of heroin since.......not only have I not used, I HAVE NOT HAD THE DESIRE TO USE. The benefit of this drug was that not only did it take away my cravings for opiates but it took away my desire for any mind and mood altering drug. I have not drunk any alcohol, which I always went to if I wasn't able to get my drugs......nope. No desire to be high. My receptors are being filled and the urge has been squashed. I don't know if you have ever used it, but if not, I highly suggest you getting on to it. There is another great drug out there called Suboxin and it is what I am aspiring to get to once I am down to a lower dose of Methadone. You start out at 30 mgs and then you work your way up until you are “comfortable”. Every person I know goes too high because it feels good, its legal and it is cheap so why the fuck not......but after a while, the high wears off but you still feel you have an opiate on board. I got up to 125 mgs and stayed there for a couple years and I am now on a slow decrease. My goal is to get to 30 mgs then I am going to hop over to Suboxin. I don't think I will ever not be on some kind of opiate replacement. I am an opiate loving creature.......human beings are all opiate loving individuals.......do you know any person who doesn’t love their pain pills when they get them? I don't know anyone.......opiate is part of our make up......ours makes endorphins......but that is why we become hooked on it. When we start supplying our body with it from an outside source, our brain says “Well......I am getting it delivered so I don't have to make it anymore.” That’s fine until that one day when you don't have a ‘wake up’......then you feel like you want to die. Believe me; I know what withdrawals feel like. Not good. You would do anything to avoid feeling that way.
Redmond, I will try to fast forward this. After moving into my own place, my criminal record hit all the computers so when I applied for work and a background check was done.......I was black listed and could NOT find a job. I have had 117 jobs in my life.......yeah......I know. That is god’s honest truth, I swear. I have never had a job longer than 10 months......EVER.
Well, now that I was clean and ready to go to work for real, no one would have me so I had no choice but to go to school. I thought long and hard about it and came to the conclusion that I should become a drug counselor. Every good counselor I had ever had, had a criminal record. The chemical dependency world was the one forgiving field that took people with bad histories and let them use it to help others........so that’s what I did. I enrolled in college and for the next 2 years became a CDP (Chemical Dependency Professional). I always made the honor roll and did really well. There is a lot more to becoming a counselor than going to school, I have to do an internship by working as a volunteer (we can also work as paid staff) for 2500 hours and take a huge test the state makes us take.....but I am almost there. I am at the internship level of my journey. I am currently looking for a place to begin my internship. It’s hard......they really put you through a serious screening process. The good news is I have gotten all my civil rights reinstated and my records are sealed......something that you have to have all your fines paid and only after 5 years can you begin that process......but that is something you have to look forward to once you decide to change your life.
Redmond, I feel as if I know you. I have read about you all your life. I have been so sad this last 24 hours I just can't tell you. I am so relieved for Farrah. Fighting for your life is exhausting. I watched my father do it. When my Mom got cancer, she lay down and looked at her watch as if to say, ‘I’m not out of here yet?” she wanted to be with her husband who passed away 5 years earlier.......but my daddy really fought. He didn’t have cancer, he had emphysema.......he literally suffocated to death. It was horrible.
I just wanted you to know that there was someone out here who was praying for you and hopes that you are going to be able to forge through this horrible time in your young life and make some sense out of it. Redmond, we really are never given anything too big for us to bear. It may seem that way at times, but really, what is the alternative.......death? You come from a very strong, thick skinned, and hard headed, dedicated bloodline. The O’Neal’s have a history ten miles long in Hollywood and you come from some seriously strong stock my boy. (I hope you don't mind my calling you that......I am old enough to be your Mom but I don't look it. I sent you a picture so you could put a face to these words). I want you to dig down deep and decide whether or not you have had enough. If you haven’t there are all kinds of horrible experiences out there waiting for you. If you have had enough, then please go get yourself on methadone. I could not stop by myself......Every time someone told me to ‘call your sponsor” or “you need a meeting” I wanted to strangle the breath out of them......I mean that. I hated AA and NA. I hated listening to other people talking about themselves. If it didn’t have to do with me, I got bored. I wanted to talk or leave........all that has changed......well, not all of that. I still have a very hard time with the program. I got and stayed sober using church and the people that went to it.......that was my support system. Now I use my spiritual group still only I am not Christian, I am a polar opposite. I am Pagan/Wiccan and I worship the earth, the seasons, the stars, the moon and the sun. I worship life and I am part of a huge tapestry of beauty, tears, love, hate, war, peace......all of it flows through me, into you, and then on to another and another. You are now part of my consciousness. I include you in my thoughts and prayers and I want you to know if you ever wanted to sit down and write a letter, I would love to hear from you.
I saw you lay down next to Farrah and say “Mommy” and from that moment you were in my heart. You my child are going to make big changes in this world.....just get out of your way and let what is meant to be, happen. Your father needs you now sweetie.......please be there for him because if you aren’t, he may become so caught up in his grief that he may let go as well. Don’t let your father feel alone. Go to him, son to father. Lean on him, he will be there for you. Let this be the last time you are ever incarcerated. If you have a prison sentence ahead of you, do it with pride and grace.......everything happens for a purpose. I was saved in jail, most that finally get it are.


When you are in jail, you are in:
God’s Hotel

I checked you in again last night my child~
Cuz it hurt so bad to see you out there, runnin’ wild.
All tired and “sucked up” you appeared to me,
Put a mirror in front of you,
You still couldn’t see.
You’re a number among the walking dead~
Hurting yourself, confusion in your head.
Jail is not the place you want to be~
But it’s my “Hotel” where I can work on thee.
You see, you weren’t just arrested,
You were rescued from yourself.
I had to bring you back in here
And put your drug use on the shelf.
Give you some rest, some food, some encouraging talk,
To let you know I love you,
Before I let you walk.
Don't be like a mule that’s led around
By a shiny bit,
Just listen to my warning,
Let me help you quit.

All My Love,
God

I will leave you with those words. Just know that you are loved from afar Redmond. Hundreds of people wrote to the jail to let you out to be with your Mom in her final hours. Jail isn't kind or giving......that you were allowed to go to her that one time was a real gift.......use this pain to forge your armor to go to battle against the demon inside of you called “Addiction”. It has a face and a pulse and it lives......anything that lives can be killed. You can do this Redmond. Remember who you are. Sit with God and Goddess and ask them to guide you and they will. You must invite the good spirits into your heart before they can go to work......let them in. Blessings are yours for the taking my friend. I would love to hear back from you but if you never write back, I will understand. I will write again.


Your Friend in Spirit,
Susan Martin