The Day After

I am so very very sad. Both of my very favorite celebrities died on the same day. I only had two posters in my life, one of Farrah Fawcett and the other was of Michael Jackson. I just can't believe he died. I knew she was on her way out........I looked for the news of it every day. When I saw it, I was happy for her, she was so tired of fighting.......but when I was napping and heard on the TV that Michael had died......I just was devastated. That poor, misunderstood rich, isolated, incredibly gifted creature. I never believed that sex shit said about him. I knew for a fact that he didn't have one sexual predator bone in his body. He didn’t have a sexual drive like most men.......he was very child like and his testosterone levels were below average.......obvious in his voice, lack of body hair and other signs. His longing to be with kids was his natural desire to be with his own kind and I believe every word he said about how in his mind there was nothing wrong with sharing a bed with friends, that was a sign of love.......i know he probably shouldn’t have done it or the people around him should have advised him of how people that didn’t know him were going to take it......but I never for once bought into the lynch mob mentality.......never. he probably never had real sex, or if he did, once or twice and didn’t like it. he talks about when his little girlfriend Jodi Foster once invited him over and told him what she was going to do to him when he got there. he blushed when telling the story and could barely look up to face the camera. He had no manly desires. He was an innocent, very rare creature that will only come our way once in a very rare while.......we won't see another one of him in our life time......i don't think anyone ever will again.

Ok enough on how I feel ......i sat and watched the back to back memorial shows on both of them last night and sobbed my heart out. It was a cleansing cry. I don't cry much anymore......hardly ever......so when I get a chance to, I make sure I use it......all the things I am sad about, I think of and put those healing tears to work......it felt good. Dawnee was on the floor sobbing along with me. when they showed her grown son, in his jail jumpsuit, leg chains on, climb in bed next to her and whisper “Mommy”......oh God.......she didn’t know he was in jail. Ryan didn’t want her to hurt any more than she was. That horrid jail didn’t let him out to be with her in her final hours. I think that is inhumane......but I understand. That’s why it is called ‘jail’. He is hooked on heroin. I am going to write him a letter. yep, I am......i am going to tel him my heart goes out to him losing his mother and that I have information that may be helpful to him if he wants to hear it. I know where he is and how he feels......on all counts. From being in jail, losing his Mom, being a slave to heroin.......having a bad relationship with his Dad......siblings......all of it. we are kindred spirits if ever there were any.