In The News Today

have just been looking at stuff on the 'web' and in the news and it makes me so sad. that is the reason i dont subscribe to a newspaper or watch the evening news. It is all so depressing. One of my favorite stars of all times is dying. Farah Fawcett. As a teenager, i had ever book, magazine, article and picture of her. I just thought she was such a Goddess. Everyone had her beautiful poster. I worked in a 'head shop' that had thousands of posters, but hers was the number one seller.

I also watched the scandelous news on the Gosselin family. Jon being 'caught with another woman'. What crap...it was probably some friend and they went out for a drink. Kate was out of town but they forgot for a second that they are now "Famous" and that makes them victims of this tabloid head hunting mentality. I know that Jon wasnt cheating....but if he was....no one would blame him because of how his wife treats him. Not in private, but by what we see on their show. SHe treats him like crap. No man wants to be belittled or have their masculinity taken away from them, especially with millions of people watching.

Another deep thinking moment I have had is inspired by the movie, "THe Curious Life of Benjamin Buttons". What a fabulous, remarkable, awesome movie. the story is so ....magical. The actors and actresses are just amazing. I never knew Kate Blanchett was such a beautifulf ballet dancer. Brad Pitt was his magical self, but seeing him as an old man was funny.....he doesnt age well. I loved it. The love story was so sad. But at least there was one. He spends his life alone, travels alone and only at the end did he find his way back to his one true love. He didnt die alone at least...

Lately i am beginning to accept that I am going to die alone. I cant seem to lose weight, not even after spending $17,000.00 on a Lap Band. It isnt working because i am not letting it. I feel like a total failure. I cant stop eating bad foods. I dont eat at the right times, i dont eat the right thigns. I jsut eat. I sit up all night and eat. I dont know what to do, it is my new drug of choice. I know that if i dont get thin, no man is going to look twice at me meaning I am going to die an old, lonely old woman, just like my mother did. At least she had her "great love" in her life. I havent. i have had great men in my life and chased them all away, one after another. Not knowing why either. I didnt know what I was doing wsa the reason we were failing. I just did what i saw as a child. I didnt know that screaming and yelling and calling people nasty names wasnt how one acted in a fight. It wsa all i saw or knew. I didnt know that you work things out in a quiet, sensible manner. I thought 'he who yells loudest wins". I didnt win. I was left alone.

I am the only person i have ever heard of who hasnt had any physical contact with another human being in .....well....7 years. I had no contact with my x husband for the last 2 years of our marriage because of the heroin....that was our love life. after he went to prison, i met and fell deeply in love with Larry....oh Larry. We had a passionate and marvelous affair for 2 years. I found out he was married and broke it off...but we couldnt stay away from each other. He called me up in a few months and we were back on again. I have never met anyone so compatible with me. Our senses of humor, our likes, dislikes...eveyrthing. In those 2 years,we never fought once...nope. not one cross word was ever spoken between us. Not a fignt, nothing. Every moment with him was just perfect. We laughes so much....god he made me laugh, he was a very funny guy. No one was more perfect for me...and he was married. One day, i got a phone call from him screaming and swearing at me, telling me if I didnt stop 'stalking him' he was goign to call my probation officer and report me for malicious mischeif. I had no idea what was going on. It was like something from a Twilight Zone program...then I figured it out. His wife was on teh other end of the phone and he was doing it to prove to her he wasnt lying, that he and I were not in love and seeing each other still....that I was 'stalking' him and he was sick of trying to make me stop....so he did this. He said if i didnt stop bothering him, he was going to 'stick a knife in my neck".

I was devestates, crushed beyond comprenhension. How could this man, that I had shared such intimate moments with, who I had been with, without fail every day for the last 2 years and who I know loved me....how could he say these thigns to me in order to save his own ass? I just crumpled up and wanted to die.
I dont know where that all came from. I was goign to talk about the news....wow. Sorry about thta. Well. I am going to go now. It is a beautiful sunny day. My least favorite kind. That means people will be out and enjoying this weather, doing yard work and being happy, going out on hikes or walks or having pic nics. I will be sitting inside, trying to keep cool. I get so hot I can barely stand it.....god, I do sound pitiful dont I? It will get better, I have hope. I do....I really do you know. People have been in worse situations than I have and gotten out of it. I can do this. I jsut need to have some inspiration.....some earth moving, life altering, cataclysmic event to rock me to my core...yeah, that's coming ...I can feel it.
More later
as my good friend says,....Gorgeous the Life